Status Update

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Welcome, new follower, and thanks!

Today's post is an update on where things stand with me at the moment.

* There was a knock at the door yesterday. AF, so nice to see you! This means we are on track. U/S and estradiol level Friday then I should hopefully start my stims on Saturday.

* My lovely blue-violet bruise (Sunday's Lupron injection that hit a vein) is now a not so lovely shade of yellow mustard. Bleah.

* I got a temporary reprieve from having to visit my SIL, Wacky P. The visit would have been last Sunday. Because of the anxiety of waiting to see whether shooting Lupron into a vein was just fine, no problem...or would result in immediate ventricular fibrillation (fortunately it was the former), my hubby let me off the hook and went to visit by himself. He felt I had endured enough stress for one day. But this coming Sunday his mom will be in town, and I am back on the hook. Mother's Day with the in-laws...I can hardly wait.

* Our outside monitoring clinic (OMC) called and left me a message saying that they made an error in charging me for certain blood tests. They are crediting $130 to my credit card. Okay, THIS kind of thing never happens! I had complained to the Clinic about having to pay for unnecessary tests and they apparently decided to eat the cost. Nice! (although, it was their mistake).

* I have to go to a "thing" tonight to meet-and-greet, listen to a speaker, eat dinner, smile and mingle. I'd really rather not. I don't even know whether any of my suits fit anymore. I am bloated with AF and have been prohibited from exercising. But a prospective employer asked if I'd be there....so I'm going. And I'll smile.

* Our transfer date is 2 weeks from today. This fact alone makes the world a pretty good place at the moment.

Why Fertility Treatments Are Not Like Double D Breasts

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Yesterday my husband and I discussed the financial impact of this cycle. I am out of work, after all. We looked at the numbers, did the math, and if this cycle is not successful, we will have to put things on hold for a while until I get a job and start padding the bank account again.

I have seen posted on numerous blogs the huge financial toll IF treatments have taken (as though the emotional toll weren't enough). Each of us uses whatever resources we have, whether it includes bank loans, savings accounts, family inheritances, second mortgages or credit cards. We struggle to find the money for each cycle.

Insurance often covers so little. This is such a huge issue and it strikes me as being so wrong! I believe the position I take is one of reasonableness. I don't think insurance should have to pay for someone like the Oct.omom who already had 6 kids and now has 8 more. It shouldn't be like a shopping spree for babies. But I firmly believe that insurance should pay, when medically indicated, for an adult to have a child. I would include as medically indicated things like male factor problems, endo, ttc unsuccessfully for a year, same sex partners, and age 35 or greater. They could cap payment based on the number of live births to prevent the Oct.omom problem.

But for crying out loud, having a child is simply not the same as other non-covered elective procedures -- such as surgery to increase breast size from an A cup to a DD cup. Having a family should not be put on par with cosmetic surgery, despite the fact that being being childless, much like having A cup breasts, is not a life threatening condition. That said, when someone is disfigured in an accident, even if the disfigurement isn't life-threatening, insurance usually pays to make the person look as normal as possible, including paying for plastic surgery.

Well, for those of us desperately wanting a child, we simply are trying to attain what we feel is a normal life! A family life. I would love to see a federal mandate requiring insurance companies to pay for fertility treatments.

I'm not holding my breath though. Self-induced asphyxia is probably not covered either.
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Mommy Instincts

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Have you done things that made you think, "I will be a good mom one day because I have mommy instincts"? I had one of those moments last night, around 3:30 am.

[Disclaimer: for those of you who don't have pets, you may find this a bit gross].

Our two little dogs sleep with us. Noodle Head is good girl. She just goes to the foot, lays on her pillow and snoozes. Doodle, however, likes to get between us, she rolls onto her back, snores, and if she wakes before you, you might end up with a tongue licking your morning breath mouth. She is also as sweet as the day is long.

Anyway, last night around 3:30 am, in the darkness of night, the peaceful silence was suddenly broken by a sound every dog owner recognizes: the sound of a dog about to puke. The familiar ratchety heaving sound. You usually get 2-3 heave warnings before the big event.

Heave 1, I was awake and sitting straight up in bed. Heave 2, I was assessing which dog was about to do the deed. By heave 3, I realized it was Doodle and had my hands cupped firmly under her mouth as she deposited the goods. Using no hands, I got the sheets off me, climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to dispose of the goods and clean up. By the time I made it back into bed, my husband was just turning over, and in a half-asleep, foggy voice said, "Huh? What? What's going on?" I said, "Nothing. Go back to sleep."

Yup, I have mommy instincts. The sound of my Doodle needing help jolted me into action. The job was done before hubby even opened one sleepy eye. That's mommy instinct!
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First Hurdle

The Results Are In:

All is well. We are on track. U/S is fine. Estradiol is fine. Stopping BCPs.

Now I need to rant a little.

My Clinic - oops - inadvertently sent two orders to the outside monitoring clinic (OMC). They only meant to order an estradiol....but somehow one of the orders included a progesterone and LH level. So of course the OMC didn't call to confirm which of the orders was correct, and of course the OMC drew the labs, and of course they are charging me the $130 for the cost of the two unnecessary labs. Oops. Thanks a freakin'lot. I love spending money for nothing.

See, THIS is exactly when a nice big, full glass of red whine....I mean wine....would come in really handy. But nooooooooo. It's on the forbidden list. (Suddenly, a string of Italian curse words leap to my mind).

Okay, but the news is good. Let's focus on the positive.

Now I need AF to visit....soon!


Early-update:

Clinic called and they have not yet received the results from my outside monitoring clinic (the OMC) yet. I am so impatient! She is going to call the OMC in 10 minutes to see if they have results yet. THEY SHOULD...IT'S BEEN FREAKING 4 HOURS!

Okay, did I mention I'm feeling a little impatient?

HOWEVER, I think it will be good news. The doc who did the U/S said he did not see any cysts at all!!! I actually did a double fist pump when he said the words. It must have been quite a sight...I don't know how the assistant girl kept from giggling at seeing this woman, still firmly positioned in stirrups, virtually lifting herself off the crinkly white paper to double fist pump the air.

The only other thing I need to follow up on is to make sure that the OMC does not charge me for b/w that my Clinic didn't order. You have to be on top of them every step of the way! This kills me! I had to ask the OMC for a detailed receipt today (they don't give me one otherwise), and when they handed it to me, I saw that the b/w included estradiol, LH and progesterone levels. My Clinic told me (and I just confirmed with them) that I only needed to have the estradiol level. So they better not charge me for tests they took upon themselves to do. As it is, they see fit to charge me $125 each visit for "outside monitoring coordination." I'd say they're a little uncoordinated.

Further update pending.......

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I am off to the clinic for a follow up u/s to make sure my cyst has gone away, and for an estradiol level. Wish me luck! I will post an update later today.
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Yikes

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Update-- I have a bruise in the loveliest shade of blue-violet on my belly.

My husband has been giving me the Lupron shots the past several days just to help him get used to holding a syringe and the feel of poking a needle into flesh. This morning, though, we were running a little late. I decided to do it myself. I swabbed, drew up the 10 units, pinched the skin, poked (ouch...hurt) and when I withdrew the needle, I saw blood. And then I saw the vein I apparently just injected the Lupron into appear as a visible, swollen blue line.

Oh, crap! Now what? Two thoughts: did I just screw up my daily dose, and would I pass out and need to go to the emergency room? A welt began to appear at the injection site - it looked like a bee sting.

I called the Clinic's off-hours answering service. It seemed to take forever until someone called me back. I paced. My dogs seemed worried. My husband was a little concerned, but definitely reassured that five full minutes had passed since the injection and I hadn't had a heart attack, stroke or seizure.

Finally I got the call-back. The very reassuring voice on the other end of the line told me not to worry, it doesn't matter if you hit the tiny blood vessels in the belly, which are very superficial. I didn't screw up the dose and I would be just fine. I might ice the site though to help with bruising. I thanked her profusely.

My heart rate returned to normal. I breathed a sigh of relief. I hate "Yikes!" moments.
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A Single Red Balloon

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It rained here today. Which is good because we can use the rain, and also it allowed me to feel a little lazy. Laying-on-the-couch-watching-movies kind of lazy. The only thing we really accomplished today was going out to eat. After a week of super-healthy cooking, I was in the mood for a gigantic hamburger. So off we went...through the rain.

I drove. We were heading down the street in a long line of cars, through the rain. After passing some cars I moved over to the right hand lane. There was a huge puddle along the curb to my right (sounds like the dream I had just a few days ago!). Anyway, there suddenly appeared a single red balloon, floating along, across my lane, coming down to windshield height. I aimed for it! I felt like it was a sign (okay, I'm always on the lookout for signs, and sometimes I see them, or maybe I just imagine they are signs, because they never seem to result in a miracle). Anyway, I thought, I need to hit the balloon! It's a sign that this cycle will be successful if I can hit the balloon.

My eyes were glued to that balloon! I was determined! To hit it though, I had to drive a bit to the right hand side of the road. Through the big puddle. I did. I drove through the puddle and just nudged the balloon. We went under it and I looked in the rear view mirror to see it bump a bit and float upward.

I didn't spin out, end up at the top of a steep snow covered hill, or go sledding (and my hands were on the steering wheel instead of outstretched) but I created a memory. I made the most of the moment.

I turned to my husband and grinned. He thinks I'm a bit of a nut, but he just goes with it.
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Enjoying the Ride

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I appreciate the thoughtful input about whether I should tell my Mom about this cycle and our use of donated embies. You all make such good points. I'm still not sure what I will do, but I guess the worst thing I can do is stress myself out over it.

It's May. Hopefully when this month comes to a close, I will have little embryos inside me, making themselves happily at home. That's what I need to focus on. That, and making sure I enjoy the time leading up to that day. I don't want to waste these precious days because if all goes well, I want to look back and cherish the time that led up to our happy BFP. Each day of our journey is an opportunity to create a memory. I want to remember the happy anticipation of it all.

Last night I had a dream that I was driving in a line of cars on a long road out in the middle of the country. The road was messy with water, as though a storm had just passed through. I decided to speed up and pass another car on the right. There was a huge, deep puddle in my path of travel. I saw the puddle and thought I could make it through if I just held fast to the steering wheel. When I hit the puddle, I lost control and started spinning out and twirling around, actually off the road and up the side of a steep hill (weird, but it's a dream....just go with with it).

When I stopped at the top of the hill, I was no longer in a car, but standing there. The hill was covered with snow and mud. I had to get down the hill and I considered hiking down through the mess. Instead, I grabbed some kind of plastic sheet (which just happened to appear), sat down on it, laid back, stretched my arms out to the sides, and went down the hill like a kid on a sled.

The people on the road below (now standing there without cars) all looked up at me and smiled and laughed and thought it was great that I had chosen to slide down the hill. I wasn't worried about getting muddy or wet. I wasn't worried about crashing. I wanted to enjoy the ride. I had an opportunity to enjoy the ride, and I took it. It felt great!

When I got to the bottom of the hill, I realized how much fun that ride had been, and I was glad I had hit the puddle, spun out and ended up at the top of the hill.

I'm not sure what it all means, if anything, but I know that I have to get through these next weeks. I could spend it worrying. Or, I can seize the opportunity to lean back, stretch out my arms, close my eyes, and enjoy the rush of the ride. To allow my hopes and dreams for this cycle to be the wind in my face and the stomach-lilting rush of excitement.

I know it could be messy. I could crash and burn.

But I choose to enjoy the ride.
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