Some Things Never Change

A new attorney started working in my office this past Monday. I'm no longer the newest newbie! Yay!

She's a nice young woman, younger than me. She came from a law firm where I happen to know a few people. So I asked her, "Say, do you know Jane Jones?" Yes, in fact she did.

I told her that Jane Jones was in my law school class. Jane's husband was also in our class and that's where they met.

Okay, I was just making conversation. I never really liked Jane all that much. Why? Oh, because she effortless graduated 2nd in our class. Because she's young and cute with pretty hair and a pretty face. She's got a nice tiny figure, a brilliant mind, won everything she entered and....well...life just appears to come too damn easy to her.

So I was just making conversation.

And now...you know what my new colleague told me at that moment, don't you? Yes, you do. Perfect Jane and her similarly perfect husband are expecting their first perfect child. In November.

Yes, I know I'm pregnant. I'm happy and overjoyed and have no right to begrudge anyone anything.

But some feelings run deep and some things don't change.

I'm sure Perfect Jane and her husband decided when they wanted to start a family and were pregnant the next month. I'm sure she never had a worry or a problem with her pregnancy. I'm sure she never spotted. I'm sure both sets of grandparents are over the moon, buying them truckloads of gifts. I'm sure Jane is a glowing preggie, no bloat or mask or weight gain except in her gorgeously round belly. I'm sure Jane's labor and delivery will be a piece of cake, her brow barely breaking a sweat. I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-pregnancy weight a mere two months after giving birth. I'm just so sure.

Why did I react like this? Why did I feel such a surge of animosity for her pregnancy when I've got a happy pregnancy of my own? Maybe I've felt so defeated and on the receiving end of the short stick for so long, that it's hard to change that pattern of thought. Maybe I'm just envious of people who, in my view, seem to have lady luck ride in their laps all the time. I don't really know. I just know that I caught myself having this string of thoughts and a separate part of my brain was thinking, "Wow, you've got issues, girl."

Facing my new colleague as she gave me the news of Jane's current status, I simply smiled and said, "Oh, how nice!" At least I'm also good at reacting quickly.
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On a Whim

Welcome new followers! So happy to have you!

The other day at work I was kind of bored and bravely surfing the internet. Our computers are blocked from accessing blog sites and other various websites, but it doesn't block amazon or ebay or craigslist or other shopping sites. Strange.

So on a whim I found myself looking at fetal dopplers. I hadn't even been thinking about them. It seems I was trying to recall how cheaply they could be rented and whether you would be locked in to a term of months. I should be able to start feeling the baby move sometime within the next month. But until then....the days seem long. Baby, are you alive in there? So I guess I wondered whether I could get one for just a month.

The doppler arrived at my door the next day! Boy, that was easy. For $25 I have use of this very nice little doppler for the next 30 days. "For less than $1 dollar a day...." A commercial seemed to run through my mind.

Finding the heartbeat proved a little tricky. I kept hearing my own. I moved the probe here, there, to the left, to the right. Finally, before panic set in, I found it. Ohhhh, it's way down there? Just 1/2 inch above the pubic hairline. I clocked that racehorse at 142 bpm. I check it 3 times a day: morning, after work, before bed. That means I pay 33 cents for each opportunity to hear my baby's heartbeat.

I can't think of a better deal on earth.

....And now....a mom update.....
My mom emailed me yesterday. She said that the news came as a bit of a shock at first, but now that it's had some time to sink in, she's sooooooooooo happy for me and she's sorry I had to go through sooooo much to get here. She said she loved the illustrations in my book and commented on how there will be so much fun stuff to do getting ready for the baby. So, I feel a little better about it all.

The world is beginning to make sense again.
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...And the Next to Know

Thank you all for your support, encouragement and comfort. It means so much to me. Being on the phone with my mom the other day was like one long, slow deflation. I just kept sinking until I wanted nothing more than to finish the conversation and get off the phone.

Oh, I think that with time she'll come around some. But of course I know how my mom is. How she's always been. How everything is about her. The world is out to make her life miserable, by the way. It's a conspiracy (as though no one else has day-to-day issues to deal with). But still....I had hoped that this time would somehow be a little different.

My dad called Sunday morning. He was quiet at first and then said, "C [his wife] says 'congratulations.'" I asked, "Do you say congratulations too?" He laughed his gentle, sweet, loving laugh and said, "Yes, of course, congratulations, honey."

He too said it was quite a surprise and then asked how I was feeling, if I'd had much morning sickness, and if we were busily getting a nursery ready. He was kind and sweet and accepting. When I said that I hadn't felt comfortable saying anything prior to this (because of the miscarriages) he quickly said, "No, of course, I understand."

And that's my dad. Kind and gentle and understanding.

My older sister (the one with the 21 year old son) called today, so I took the opportunity to tell her the news by phone.

I said, "Oh, you know St. Patrick's Day is next March I think. Guess what's going to happen right around that time?"

She asked casually, "What?"

I said, "I'm going to have a baby."

Well, she was delighted and tickled. At least she was delighted and tickled after she asked me two or three times if I was serious and for real???? She asked me how I felt and she was excited and giggled when I told her about my various u/s's and how one looked like a rectangle (the first one) and one looked like a chicken drumstick.

We talked about our mom and how she gave my sister grief 21 years ago, too. My sister was 22 or so at the time, not married (living with the father) and when mom first learned of my sister's pregnancy, she said to my sister, "Well.....take care of it." Meaning: go get an abortion. Wisely my sister waited long enough before telling our mom, so my sister replied, "It's too late for that." My mother said, "You can't even take care of yourself. How are you going to take care of a baby?"

Well, the truth is that my nephew is a pretty messed up kid for a lot of reasons, many of which have to do with my sister. But no one could have known the future back then and what my mom said to her was hurtful. So my sister was very supportive of me and insisted I not let our mom hurt my feelings or get to me.

As we were about to get off the phone my sister said, "Heeeeyyyy, I just realized. I'm going to be an auntie!" She really is happy for me. Which I appreciate.

Now...one ministerial act: I changed my blog template to accommodate the ticker I put up. But I'm not too fond of the new format, so I'm switching back. I'll just have to go find a different ticker that fits in the space.

Love to you all.
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A Big Letdown

I suppose if you allow yourself to have expectations, they will occasionally be dashed. Trampled. Shattered.

My mom received her cartoon booklet. She didn't call. I called her. She was...uh...flat. That's the best way I can describe it.

She said, "Well, that sure was a surprise. So you were sneaking around and sneaking out of town without telling your mom. You were laid off from your job, but you were buying expensive airline tickets. And wasn't that a long drive to the clinic?"

No "Congratulations!" No "I'm SOOOOO Happy!" No tears of joy.

She asked if we'd purchased anything yet. I said not really because I had been too worried that the pregnancy might not make it and I didn't want to jinx anything. She said that she has some things of my nephew's when he was a tot that she was going to sell in a garage sale and it's a good thing she found out in the nick of time. Um, okay.

She asked when we would find out the baby's gender. I told her the gender u/s is scheduled for October 30th. That I had hoped to be able to have it done during her visit, but that the doctor's office wanted to do it closer to 20 weeks. Then I told her that I'd heard about a place here in town that will do a 2D u/s for $65 - they can determine the gender and they give you 10 pictures and a DVD. So I told her I thought we could do that while she's here visiting.

She said "Oh, so you'd do that just to find out the gender sooner?" I said "No, I thought you'd want to see the baby live and moving." She said flatly, "Yeah, we could do that."

I was deflating fast.

I told her that as long as the baby is healthy and gets here in one piece, I don't really care whether it's a boy or a girl, and although we want to find out before it's born, I'm not in a huge rush to know this minute.

She said, "I still hope it's a girl."

Yes, mom, of course you do because I remember how hard it was for you to be excited or happy when my sister announced (21 years ago) that she was having a boy and how disappointed you were because you just find it so hard to love a baby boy.

WTF. No, I didn't say all of that. I just thought it.

Then she asked if we'd chosen names yet. I told her no. That we'd tossed around a couple, but hadn't really gotten anywhere. She launched into the names she likes. You know, she REALLY wants this kid to have a name SHE likes.

At one point she said, "So no wonder you want me to move out there by you. I guess this means you want me there by March then, right?"

WHAT?! Moving here was her idea. Not mine. I don't care where she chooses to live. And I told her no, she doesn't need to be here by March.

I could tell, by the sound and tone of her voice, that she was really trying to act happy and ask me questions. But I know her well enough to know it wasn't genuine. She was struggling to say the things she thought I wanted to hear.

And most of the conversation, by the way, was about anyone and anything other than me, this pregnancy or my baby. She talked about the garage sales she went to this morning. She talked about some sheets she wanted to buy at a department store. She talked about how long it took she and her brother once to drive to Myrtle Beach. She talked about a former co-worker of hers. Blah. Blah. Blah. I just sat there, silent.

I don't mean to be selfish and self-centered here. The world is not about me. I just thought that maybe this one conversation could be about the most important thing that's happening in my life.

Sorry, love, not this time.

As we were getting off the phone she said something like, "I'm just so surprised and I have to get used to it all."

Well, when we finally hung up, my husband came into the room. I told him how it went. He was sweet and supportive and great. He actually wasn't surprised at my mom's reaction (knowing how she is). I naively thought she would really be excited. But he caressed my belly and said "Well we're happy about our baby no matter what anyone else thinks." And we are.

Then we talked about the cartoon booklet and also about reasons my mom might have reacted the way she did.

One: She's disappointed and hurt that I didn't mention any of this to her before now. That's reasonable. I assumed this one as a calculated risk. But after all the negativity I got when I mentioned the whole IVF thing last year, I decided not to tell her.

Two: She's disappointed that is not a "blood" baby. Not my blood. Not her blood. It's just some ole baby that came from some strangers she doesn't know. And, btw, it could (gasp!) be a boy.

Three: The cartoon book overwhelmed her. There was a lot of information in there. A lot to think about. My husband thought perhaps her response would have been different if we'd just verbally announced, "We're pregnant!" And then worried about explanations later. People can respond to "we're pregnant" quicker and with more emotion than they can to a 30 page booklet.

My dad and his wife haven't called yet. I'm pretty certain they should have received their copy by now.

So I'm re-thinking all those other copies of the cartoon booklet we have. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Now though, I can see the pitfalls of making the announcement this way.

Maybe we'll just say "We're pregnant!" and not worry about offering the whole explanation to everyone. Maybe we'll bring out the booklet much later, after the news has been delivered and accepted. Or in some cases not at all. Besides, as my DH said, usually when a couple announce that they are pregnant, people don't jump right in and ask, "Is it yours? Did you do IVF?" Well, maybe those who have been down that path themselves, but that doesn't include the people in our RL.

Anyway, I really am disappointed in my mom's response. I was sure she'd be really happy. But this is our family. Mine and my husband's. And we're happy. So my mom can think whatever she wants. If it's a boy she can be disappointed. She can hate the name we choose. I don't give a flying cow bell.

Sigh. When things don't turn out the way you imagined, it can be a big letdown. Which sucks. But then again, I've known for quite some time that my life is not a fairy tale.
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Paranoia and Pictures

I've been paranoid. At work lately I have been paranoid that my co-workers are looking at my belly. That they're silently assessing whether they think I'm pregnant. I wear long shirts and I try to stand tall and even suck it in as best I can. I hold papers or files in front of me when I can. I'm paranoid someone will guess. My husband says I just look like a chubby state worker. I had lunch with former co-workers last week and they didn't notice. But still, I watch my current co-workers' eyes and try to determine if they're thinking about my belly.

Silly, huh?

In other news, I put the comic book in the mail to my parents and they should receive it tomorrow or Saturday. I'm excited to get their phone calls. I'm so glad you all enjoyed the book so much.

We were invited to a potluck get together with some of my good friends on October 4. I will be 16 weeks. Four months. I plan to take a comic book and at some point have one of the older children read it aloud to everyone (sweet K is now 14 and was the flower girl at my wedding). But I know my friends and they will guess and shout it out long before K gets half way through the book. I'm going to tell them to sit down, shut up and listen (well...maybe).

I scheduled my gender-determining ultrasound for October 30th. The girl who set the appointment said they like to wait until the 20 week mark because the physical development is best by then. So I have to wait a whole month. But I keep thinking that by Halloween we'll know whether our pumpkin is a boy pumpkin or a girl pumpkin. Unfortunately it will be 2 weeks after my Mom's visit, so she won't be here for it.

My oh my, the cat's going to be out of the bag! I still haven't decided how (or when) to let my boss/co-workers know.
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Our Story - via Comic Book

I am ready to send copies of my comic book to my Mom and to my Dad and his wife. They will get the first two copies. I'm holding off sending copies to my siblings until I'm sure my parents have received their copies. Otherwise, I know my older sister will immediately call our Dad and blurt out, "Daddy, Daddy, can you believe BWUB is pregnant?!" and he won't yet have any clue.

Disaster averted.

So I'm attaching some photos of it below. It's pretty long, so this is just to give you an idea of how it turned out. And obviously most of you know the story pretty well!

I have no idea if you'll be able to read the text in the photos below, but if you double click on a picture, it should open a larger version if you want to try to actually read it.

So here we go!


cover


donor parents, as I imagine them


donor parents visit the clinic and pour over possible egg and sperm donors


image close up


after choosing egg and sperm donors, the goods are mixed!


wife gets her transfer and remaining embies are frozen


they have their babies and 5 years later begin to think about the embies




BWUB and Mr. BWUB enter the picture (I always draw myself with curly hair)


after getting matched with our embryos and taking the meds, its time to go to the clinic for my transfer


our puppies stay at the pet hotel


after a 2ww, we get some good news!


close up


my first u/s


waiting, worrying, working and going for u/s's


we're ready to tell our secret!


more u/s pictures


a thank you to our donor parents for giving us the gift of a lifetime


the end (sort of), which needs to be modified to say 5 1/2 months

I hope you enjoyed it!
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Ahhhhhh....

Soooooo, I took your advice and decided to shopping to buy some maternity pants last Saturday.

I'm still trying to pinch pennies and thought it would be best to avoid the "real" maternity stores. I was certain they'd be pretty expensive. I opted to go to Penneys.

A couple of years ago when I was pregnant with my second pregnancy (that subsequently ended in miscarriage) I was shopping at Penneys for work clothes. One of the dressing rooms is right next to the maternity section. I remember standing in line, waiting for a dressing room, and bashfully eyeing the large letters on the wall that spelled "Maternity." I thought "It won't be too much longer and I'll be shopping in that section."

Well, it wasn't to be. And the next time I waited in line at that dressing room a few months later, I completely avoided eye contact with the large "Maternity" sign on the wall. I despised it and refused to look in its direction. It was as though the letters mocked me.

That was 2 years ago. Now here I was, on Saturday, aiming directly for that section. I was definitely excited. But my excitement turned to disappointment when I finally got there and realized the entire maternity section at Penneys consisted of approximately 4 small racks. All of their yoga pants, jeans, dress pants and capris is this tiny section. I tried on several pairs, but only ended up with one pair that worked. It was a disappointment.

I headed into the main mall and thought that there might be a maternity store in the mall. Well, I was here, I might as well go check. Besides, all stores have sales from time to time. Maybe I'd get lucky.

I found the Motherhood store. And indeed there was a sale. I also had a really nice young woman clerk help me. She pulled several pairs of pants and jeans for me to try and showed me to a dressing room. I pulled the curtain behind me, set down my purse and noticed that there were small pillows with velcro straps on either side. A pillow to strap around you to to simulate a larger pregnant belly. I picked it up, wrapped it around me, and pulled my shirt down over it.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

Yup, I lost it. Just for a minute I had to quietly cry with my face in my hands. Thank you, God, for this pregnancy. I might actually have a real tummy full of baby a few months from now. And I don't deserve it anymore than any of my blogger friends still awaiting their turn.

Well, the pants were a success! A black twill pair, a gray twill pair and nice pair of jeans. Plus a brown pair from Penneys. Ahhhhh, my little belly pooch was so happy. The twill pants were no more expensive than what they had at Penneys, and the jeans, at $40, were a little more expensive, but they're pretty nice looking jeans.

I wore the brown pair to work today. Thank you everyone who suggested I finally break down and do it. So much more comfortable!
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