A Shovelful

...
On the IF front, AF is knocking at the door. She is peeking through the windows and waiting for the door to open fully so she can blast her way through. After my last cycle was cancelled mid-May, my Clinic had me go back on BCPs (I guess to bridge the gap until we can start the next cycle). I took my final pill Thursday. I hope to leap right back into taking Lupron, but I bet they will have me take BCPs again to overlap with the Lupron.

Meatball epiphany:

After I wrote yesterday's post about the meatball, it occurred to me that the issue I had with the meatball is the exact same issue I have with our outside monitoring clinic (OMC) charging me a $125 "coordination fee" in connection with a simple blood draw.

The restaurant assistant manager tried to convince me that there were meatballs in the sauce, although they weren't what any 6-year old would recognize as a meatball.

The OMC tried to convince me that they perform certain coordination efforts on my behalf, although they can't identify a single act of actual "coordination." That's because there are none. I do all of the coordination. They do fax in/fax out.

*Note: I may not have posted an update about the $125 fee. The OMC called me back and declined to waive the fee that they charged me for doing an E2 blood draw. The labwork itself was $90, which is fine, but she tried to justify the $125 coordination fee by saying "there are people involved who have to coordinate the blood work." Righto. Mhm.

Both the restaurant assistant manager and the OMC stated their cases with straight faces as though what they were saying made obvious sense and it was me who was being unreasonable. What did I hear when they spoke? I heard, "Here, please...take this extra large shovelful of bullshit and swallow it. Now smile and say 'Thank you, that's just what I needed!'"

Give me a break.
...

Can Someone Please Define "Meatball" For Me?

...
I am not a picky eater. And I rarely complain about food in a restaurant. My philosophy is pretty much one of endorsement - if I like the place, I'll be back; if I don't, I won't.

When I do have a complaint, I am always very polite, don't ask to have a new meal brought to me, I don't expect to have anything taken off the tab or to get a free dessert out of it. I just tell them because, gee, I'd think they'd want to know there might be a problem. They might want to hear complaints as part of quality control.

My hubby and I went to lunch yesterday with a friend of mine and her family. They selected a chain restaurant that offers Italian food. Not fantastic Italian food, but it's cheap and plentiful.

My friend and I ended up ordering the same dish. The menu roughly described it as spaghetti with chicken, sausage, meatballs and mushrooms in a spicy red sauce. Okay, yeah, not part of my healthy eating plan, but it sounded good.

Food was served. After one or two bites, I looked over at my friend's plate and asked her whether she had any meatballs in her food. Mine didn't. There were a couple strips of chicken, several pieces of sausage sliced into coins, and sliced mushrooms. But no meatballs. She forked through her plate and noted that in fact, she did not see a meatball either.

Our chipper young waitress appeared and asked if everything tasted okay.

Me: Yes, it tastes fine, it's just that neither of us seem to have any meatballs in our sauce, as is described on the menu.

Waitress: Oh, we'll it's ground beef, the meat is in there, but it's a meat sauce, there aren't separate meatballs.

Me: Well, your menu is misleading. It says meatballs.

Waitress: Would you like me to bring you a side of meatballs?

Me: No.

Did she really think I wanted to pay for a side of something that the menu assured me I would already receive?

Shortly thereafter, a young whippersnapper in a shirt and tie came up to the table and introduced himself as an assistant manager (AM). He asked how everything was.

Me: Oh it's fine. It tastes very good.

AM: Was there a problem?

Me: It's just that the menu description says this dish includes meatballs (my friend at this point gratuitously reads the menu description out loud). There don't appear to be any meatballs.

AM: The meatballs are in there, they are not whole meatballs -

Me: So there is ground up meat in the sauce, but -

AM: No. It is not ground up meat -

Me: Oh, well your waitress said it was ground meat.

AM: No, they are meatballs. They are not whole meatballs, but they are in there.

Me: [ Grinning a bit sarcastically at this point] Come on. When you or I say the word "meatball" what image do you think of? You think that you are going to get a whole meatball. Not something ground up in the sauce. That's called "meat sauce." I mean, it's fine, the food is fine, it's just a bit misleading to have the menu say "meatballs" and then not include even one meatball. But really, it's fine.

He smiled as best he could. He mumbled something about making sure he let "them" know so that the menu something something something. Yeah, right. I'm thinking they are not going to re-send 200 menus for reprinting.

Whatever. I really didn't care. I didn't need a meatball and it really was tasty as it was. I just take issue with what I would call false advertising. Any normal person would read "meatball" and think they were going to get a solid ball of meat. The size and number might be in question, but not the actual presence of said ball of meat. In law we call it the "reasonable person standard" - meaning what would a person of reasonable intelligence and experience understand and expect.

Just as a an aside, there was no ground up meat in the sauce. Not one nobule of beef in that sauce to be found. Anywhere.

I told my friend that the next time we go there, we should order the same dish, but when ordering, one of us should say, "Oh, no meatballs please" and see what happens. Will they agree to "hold" the meatballs? Will the two dishes be the same anyway? Will one of us actually get a meatball? Or will they in fact redact the word meatball from the menu description?

My husband thinks it's time for me to go back to work.
...

Puppies and Plants

...
Thank you for your recommendations on how to handle asking for time off when responding to a job offer. You all made some excellent points and I feel more confident about it.

I spent much of the morning with my dogs and my mini-garden.

First, dogs. I have to show you pictures because they have been so adorable lately.

Maddy (aka Noodle Head) jumped in the planter box (naughty!) but looked adorable!


Daisy (aka Doodle) looked like a princess when she came back from the groomer (don't let her smiling face fool you....she barks like a ferocious guard dog).


You may remember that I am trying to grow heirloom tomatoes and cantaloupe from seed. I confess to knowing absolutely nothing about proper gardening technique. I g.oogle everything and do my best. I bought a kiddie pool, cut drainage holes in the bottom, filled it with dirt, and transplanted my cantaloupe into it.


I then read online that cantaloupe roots need at least 18 inches of depth to grow. Oops. Kiddie pool won't work. I transplanted them again in front of trellises. I covered the mounded dirt around them with black plastic (per online suggestion) and weighed the plastic down with bricks. Not so attractive, but maybe it will work. I have no idea whether they will get sufficient sun there, but I'm running out of options.


The tomatoes are in larger planters, where I think they will do fine.


Well, the weekend is nearly upon us. If I take this new job, my free time for all this doodling about will soon come to an end. Sigh.
....

Off to the Hospital...and Maybe Off to Work

...
My day unfolded not as I planned.

I was up early. Coffee. Dogs. Husband. Newspaper.

I had a business luncheon to attend at noon. I hoped to touch base again with a prospective employer who happens to be the chair of this particular group. But I am nervous. If they offer me a job....what do I do about our upcoming cycle? How will I explain that I will need one or two weeks of time off sometime during the next few months? I don't want to disclose the IF or FET or any of that. That was one reason why I had really hoped to do the transfer last week. The timing would have been perfect.

But, ah, of course, it is Murphy's IF Law. If anything can screw up a cycle, it will.

Anyway, while getting ready, a friend called. It was my friend whose husband had a brain tumor. He had surgery in December. Rounds of chemo and radiation. She was emotional and tearful on the phone. I asked if she wanted me to come. She did. Her husband was admitted to the hospital after having fallen at home, whacking his head on the night stand. I made my way to the hospital and spent the afternoon with them.

Dear God, I don't know how she does it. She is the most amazing person I know. Her husband was unrecognizable (to me). Not the slim, muscular, masculine, strong, athletic guy he used to be. The cancer, the medications, the treatments, the side effects....they have taken their toll. He is incredibly weak. His arms bruised from nurses poking him with needles. His head still bald because he likes his wife to shave it now. He is swollen and pale. But one blessing: he still has his wild, hysterical sense of humor. He had us doubled over laughing at times. He is at times confused, but the sense of humor is exactly who he is.

I was most taken with my friend's gentleness and patience with her husband. It was incredible to witness. She really is my hero. So I spent much of today grasping the reality of my friend's life. How virtually all normalcy has abandoned them. My heart, my prayers, my soul just go out to her. Why do bad things happen to good people?

While I was at the hospital, the prospective employer - the one whose luncheon I ditched to be there for my friend - called. She left a message on our machine offering me the position and saying I can start as soon as I want.

Uh oh. Now what? My DH thinks I should simply tell her that I will need time off in the next few months to take care of some personal business. That it could be as soon as the beginning of July, but we don't yet know. Let her decide whether that will be acceptable. Considering the current financial condition of California, perhaps she will be delighted to have me take time off without pay.

If you have any thoughts about a good way to handle this, I'd appreciate your input.
...

Friendship Follow Up and Fortunes in Fees

...
Thank you for the kind, thoughtful comments on yesterday's post. I am so grateful to all of you for gently caressing my wounds, offering advice, making observations and sharing your own experiences.

I guess in the end it is my own feelings, experiences and vulnerabilities causing the slow erosion of my friendships with J and M. I have to accept responsibility for that. I think I've been sensing the erosion for some time. Partly it is because I am consumed with my own IF matters. Partly it is because the issues and topics they like to discuss simply don't interest or stimulate me. I am easily bored when I spend much time with them. As one person said, sometimes the lifespan of a friendship just reaches it's end. I'm sure I will still maintain relationships with J and M. Perhaps I'm just finally aware of how those relationships have been modified.
.............

Now on to other things.

A few days ago I lamented having to pay a $125 outside monitoring coordination fee in connection with a single E2 blood draw. Many of my bloggy friends encouraged me to call the clinic and ask about it - it seems to be an outrageous charge.

I called today. Welllll, no definite response yet. I told the person I spoke with that I thought the fee was quite high and I emphasized that this particular charge for a simple blood draw seemed really unfair and I wondered whether the clinic would be willing to waive it. She said she would ask and get back to me. I guess that's something (we'll see if she actually does call me or if I have to call her back). If they decline to waive it, then I will ask for a written, detailed list of "coordination" services they have provided.

On a roll, I also asked whether the clinic would be willing to negotiate with me on the fee since we will be doing another cycle and my insurance doesn't cover this. Her explanation for the $125 coordination fee is that they discovered they often spent a lot of time tracking down orders from primary clinics, following up with 3rd party participants (like surrogates or donors), and using staff time to obtain information and coordinate appointments. I told her I understood and that made sense, but that in my case, I am the one making sure they receive the orders, and I do all the following up, and there are no 3rd parties involved. I thought it would be fair if they only charged me half the fee. She hemmed and hawed. She wouldn't commit to asking about a lower fee, but I got the administrator's name and said I'd be happy to talk with that person myself.


Then I was really pumped and called our insurance company. I'm on my DH's insurance and his employer switched insurers as of May 1. I decided to call and ask about IF coverage. You know I wasn't expecting a doggone thing. Well, as it turns out, I got the sweeeeeetest woman representative on the phone. I ended up discussing the particulars with her and she was over there checking diagnosis and billing codes for me. She thought some of the costs charged by the outside monitoring clinic might be covered! Okay, not the $125 fee, but perhaps the cost of the U/S's and b/w. Wow! Now that would be something. She showed me where to get a claim form online and is going to have me fax it to her directly. She also encouraged me to find out the billing codes for the FET and I could call her back directly at her extension and she would check those for me too. What a sweetheart!

There's no telling whether one dime will end up back in my pocket from the outside clinic or any of the FET charges, but it's possible! I think I have a fair shot of at least getting some of it reimbursed. And I have you guys to thank for urging me to call and follow up! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I almost feel like I should be paying you a consultation fee! Well....almost. :)
...

Friendship Put To The Test

...
A friend of mine, J, called me yesterday. I have known J for nearly 20 years and she was the matron of honor at my wedding. We are the same age (43) and her two kids are 13 and 11 years old. J and I go all the way back to undergrad. We've been pretty close all these years, even as the phases of our lives have changed.

Another friend, M, is a personal friend of both J and me. M is a hairdresser and has done J's and my hair for years. M is 60 years old and, like some hairdressers, she is a great gossiper.

Back when my DH and I were first ttc....you know, when you thought it would just happen and you never considered guarding the information like a secret...I told both M and J that we were ttc. I wondered if M knew of any natural hair coloring products to use during pregnancy (she did not) and I shared the news with J because she was my friend.

It took 8 months before we got our first BFP. During those 8 months, J said all the things infertiles loathe to hear. "Just relax, it'll happen." "Just give it time." "At least all this practicing is fun." M would just ask bluntly, "So are you pregnant yet?"

When we got our BFP, I told J (I never told M). J was happy for me. My first prenatal appointment wasn't scheduled to happen until the 10 or 12 week mark. I forget because I miscarried at 6 weeks.

I miscarried on a Sunday. The day before, Saturday, my DH and I attended an associate picnic at the home of a co-worker of mine. As their 1 year old toddled in the yard, I delighted in her, thinking how in a year's time we too would have a little one.

Early Sunday afternoon, I drove my DH to the airport. He had a week long conference in southern California beginning the following day. I spent the rest of the day home with the dogs, relaxing. At 10 pm I turned off the TV and the lights, locked up the house, and went to use the bathroom to get ready for bed.

There was blood. Enough to worry me. Enough to make me think, yeah, I thought I had been feeling mild AF type cramps that evening. It was 10 pm, I was alone and it was my first m/c. I was panicked. I know, I'm a nurse, but this was personal and I was in uncharted territory.

I called the telephone number of the advice nurse listed on the back of my insurance card. She was so kind and gentle. She let me know that if in fact I was miscarrying, there was no way to stop it from happening. If I bled too much I should go to the ER. Was anyone with me? I sobbed, telling her my DH was out of town. She encouraged me to call a friend to stay with me.

I called my DH who immediately made arrangements to come home first thing in the morning. Then I called J. I cried, telling her I thought I was miscarrying. It was weird. She said, "I'm so sorry" but then she just asked questions. Was I bleeding? How long? Could I try to sleep? Would I be seeing the doctor the next day? Just....questions. I couldn't bring myself to ask her to come over. She never offered. I felt weird about the whole thing.

Alone that night, I miscarried. I cried. I knelt on the bathroom floor under waves of pain. I saw the clots pass. I took care of myself.

The next morning, Monday, I called in sick to work and my DH and I went to see the OB. That was my first internal ultrasound. She confirmed the miscarriage. My DH was wonderful and supportive and everything I needed him to be.

I went to work Tuesday, verging on tears all day. You know, an associate attorney wants to prove how dedicated she is and not take too much sick time. The co-worker at whose home we attended the picnic on the prior Saturday made some joke to me about how I looked fine when he saw me Saturday and I must have wanted to enjoy a long weekend. This was my introduction into the world of incredibly hurtful but ignorant comments.

When I got another BFP just 2 months later, we were less excited and more cautious. We didn't tell anyone. That time, I miscarried at 11 weeks, although that U/S revealed that the fetus had stopped growing at 7 weeks. No heart beat.

Both J and M periodically continued to ask me whether we were still ttc. I told them yes, but ended the conversation there. I never ever raise the issue. I just always felt like their questions were more about digging for juicy bits of gossip rather than supporting me.

So yesterday J called. I cancelled a hair appointment with M that was scheduled for May 23. I cancelled it because we were supposed to have our FET on May 21 and I would be on bedrest through the 24th (of course the cycle was cancelled on the 19th). I did not reschedule the hair appointment because, well, I am going to try (try!) letting my hair grow out and see what the natural, gray-tinged color really looks like. Plus, if we do get pregnant, I don't think the chemicals are good for the baby (although after the m/c my OB assured me they think the chemicals only absorb into the scalp and are not systemic).

Anyway, in yesterday's telephone call, J said she spoke with M. M mentioned that I cancelled and did not reschedule my hair appointment. J said, "M asked me if I thought you were pregnant."

The whole thing bothers me. That M wouldn't have the balls just to ask me herself. That J, who is obviously dying to know the answer too, is asking on the pretense that it is M who wants to know. That J revealed what M probably thought was a private conversation between she and J. That they are both just still digging for something to gossip about.

All I said was, "Nope. Not pregnant." It's true. Although I hope to be soon. I'm sad though, that I don't have much respect for these friendships anymore. That after so many years, I derive so little from the relationships. That whatever it was we had in common has been obliterated by my journey through infertility. That I find them to be shallow and gossipy and uninteresting. And that I find so much more support and understanding and get so much more from my bloggy friends than these IRL friends.

The phases of life, and of friendships, I guess.
....

Memorial Day and Musings

...
First I want to wish everyone a Happy Memorial Day and offer a moment of gratitude for the men and women who have fought and who currently fight for our country. My DH's young nephew is home from a tour in Iraq and due soon to ship out to Afghanistan. I have the utmost respect for these brave soldiers.

Thanks to them all for their decision, their sacrifice and their dedication.

...................

Now, shifting gears.

I told my DH how upset I was over the clinic billing us $125 "monitoring fee" for a stupid blood draw. Usually he hates it when I raise a fuss about things, but in this case he agreed with me - and with you all. So I am going to call the clinic this week to discuss it with them. I'll have to check all my receipts, but I think in total they have charged me $725 for monitoring coordination fees. If they balk or give me a line of crap, I will ask them to provide me a written, detailed explanation of exactly what services they have rendered which are attributable to the fees charged for monitoring coordination. We'll see how it goes.

We were having a wonderfully quiet weekend until our rude, redneck, testosterone-laden, knuckle dragging, idiot, neanderthal of a neighbor and his wife returned this morning from their whopping two day camping trip. Sigh. They own a super-gigantic fifth wheel RV which I call the Aircraft Carrier. It lives on a concrete slab in their front yard right next to our driveway. It used to be partially on our driveway. About 6 months after they brought it home, I hired someone to install a lovely redwood fence exactly along our side of the property line. The neanderthal was positively irate. Although I had given him two months warning that I intended to install a fence, he did nothing until the day the fence went up. Then (idiot) realized the RV would no longer fit on the existing slab. He cursed me out like a trucker (real gentleman). He ended up having to hire someone to widen the concrete pad (now 1/4 of the way across his front yard - very classy) so that the Aircraft Carrier can fit. He never apologized for cursing at me. I guess he assumed my property was his to use as he saw fit and somehow it was wrong of me to put up a fence on my own property. So the loud mouth is home. Sigh.

What else? I am on day 6 of BCP's. I will take them for 3 more days then wait for AF. She usually shows up about 4 days after the last pill. On CD 2 or 3 I will have b/w for an E2 level. I think we want it low, low, low so I can jump into my next cycle. I have to say I feel sort of guilty. I am anxious to get this next cycle underway. I have zero patience (you may recall I admitted in a previous post that patience is not my strong suit). And yet, as I read other bloggers' posts, and see the issues and obstacles they face, and the length of time they will have to wait to cycle, I feel a bit embarrassed about my impatience with my own relatively short wait. Their struggles add dimension to my own journey. I need to learn from this.
...