Less Certainty = More Relaxed

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In April I set up a table in a Word document and created a calendar. The first day was April 19. In each square of the calendar I typed in the IF meds I was to take that day, when AF came, when my U/S's took place, how thick my lining was, what my b/w results were. And as the days came and went, I marked off the meds I took by highlighting them in green. Green means "go" right?...each bit of green ostensibly carried me one day closer to our transfer.

In the May 19 square, in capital letters, highlighted in red, are the words: STOP ALL MEDS; CYCLE CANCELLED. Not that I needed to see in on the calendar lest I forget and accidentally have my DH give me the Delestrogen shot. I think the act of typing the words and highlighting them were more symbolic - like pounding my fist on the table.

Rather than create a new calendar for our current cycle, I simply added onto the existing one. In a strange way I enjoy looking back at those first weeks. The days when I thought nothing would go wrong. When I took the meds and crossed them off eagerly. I thought that when I finished the Lupron, I was forever finished with Lupron. I was oh so careful about what I ate and drank and made sure I took the meds at precisely the same moment each day.

I'm crossing off the meds again in green. U/S and b/w dates are listed, waiting for lining thickness and E2 values to be filled in. I see the words "tentative transfer date" highlighted in yellow (caution!) in a square just 3 weeks from now.

I'm less sure this time. Less sure we will get to transfer without a cancellation. Less sure my numbers will go the way I want them to. Less sure that things will go without a hitch. But strangely, I feel more relaxed. I'm not as worried about what I'm eating (oh - but I should be - after chocolate silk pie, toll house cookies and wine over the weekend). I'm less worried about what time I take the meds as long as it is within a certain window. I don't care which doc at the outside monitoring clinic wands me anymore. Whatever. Just get the job done, buddy, okay? I'm all together less consumed by the whole thing this time. Which, you know, feels much better.

Other tidbits:
I accepted the job offer today. Soon-to-be boss is okay with me starting after my "procedure." Presuming (ha!) that in fact it happens on time!

I transplanted my cantaloupe plants again - to large planter boxes where they will get more sunlight. This is their 3rd re-location, and if they survive and actually produce fruit, it will be a miracle! Tomatoes and red bell peppers continue to grow.
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