I am feeling guilty for something I know was not under my control. But I can't help it.
Five embryos were donated to us. A mom and dad loved those embryos and agonized for 5 years after their own twins were born over whether or not to donate the remaining embryos. Yes, they were frozen in a cylinder for 6 years (frozen at the time of the donor's fresh cycle). I'm sure those parents thought of their embies often.
After so long, they found it in their hearts to donate their embryos. We were the lucky recipients. Four of the five survived the thaw. I have a photo the RE gave us of our 4 surviving embies. One looked too frazzled. It was not in good shape. But the other 3 were so pretty, full of beautiful cells and almost no fragmentation.
Those 3 beautiful embies were transferred to me. Only 1 survived and implanted.
I feel badly that the others did not make it. That we were given this gift of five embryos and my body accepted only one. My generous donors - their gift - it was so amazing and took them so long to feel comfortable donating their children's future siblings. And I only managed to save one of them.
Logically I know that I did my best. This was not in my control. But I am almost ashamed that I "lost" their other embies. I know that at age 43, carrying multiples would have presented additional risks. I just feel that I failed my donors in some way.
Don't get me wrong. I am so, so grateful and honored and joyful for the one little one inside me. I will do everything I can to preserve this baby and help it to grow strong. I love it so much and know it is already the sunshine of my life.
I'm just a bit sad that it's siblings won't be coming along too.
I'm still here
5 days ago