Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I feel kind of sorry for people who work at fertility clinics. Kind of. I mean, they have to deal with people like us. Okay, okay, I won't drag you into this. They have to deal with people like me.

People who have been ttc for a long time. Who obsessed during every 2ww. Hell, back during the sex-to-make-baby days the whole month was nothing more than two distinct 2ww's! Wait for AF and wait to try again. They have to deal with people like me who research every relevant symptom, hormone level, medication and procedure per Dr. Google. People who have put their heart on the line more than once, just to have it ripped out. People who are told they will have to wait 6 weeks (or for some, 6 months or a year) before they will be able to get the ball rolling. People who have been stripped of their pants, skirts, undies and dignity time and time again as they "assume the position" without even being asked anymore. People who spend a lot of money but who are constantly at the mercy of others - doctors, RE's, nurses, lab people, donors, etc. People like me who want answers and who are tired of waiting for what has already seemed like an eternity.

You know, all of this has turned me into a driven, pointed, let's-drop-the-niceties-and-get-down-to-it kind of gal. I mean, why waste time beating around the bush? I still try to be polite. I say "please" and "thank you." I smile. But inside I'm thinking, "Just do what I want, NOW!" And I have no qualms about asking for what I want.

Last week I received two wonderful beta values. 194 & 559. What more could a girl want?

Something. Yeah, I want something.

You can't just say, "Congratulations, you're pregnant, here are your values, now go away and hang tight for two weeks." Whaddya mean hang tight for 2 weeks? Yeah, okay, I still pop a couple of pills (vitamins and aspirin), I insert progesterone suppositories 4 times a day (no big whoop anymore) and my DH gives me a shot of Delestrogen twice a week. But I'm addicted now! You strung me along on U/S's and blood draws. You fed me a regular diet of medication increases, decreases and modifications. You teased and tickled and drew me in with all of this and then culminated our intimate relationship by inserting a catheter full of embryos into my most private nether regions!

But now, like the morning after a one night stand, you won't really look me in the eye and seem to not want me to call you anymore. You haven't called either. I miss chatting about all our plans. I miss being at your command, doing whatever it is you asked. I need you!

So, like the monster you created, I came calling. You told me that after 2 good betas, you don't normally do more testing until the U/S (mine is scheduled for the 30th). I wouldn't stand for it. Using my best "please," I asked if you wouldn't mind ordering me another beta this week. You know, some peace of mind. Cantcha give a sister a break here? I'm like the addict just starting to go through withdrawal and begging for just one more fix.

She caved. "Fine. I'll order it," she said, "although it won't tell us anything." I greedily accepted. I went for the blood draw this morning. Finally, late this afternoon, she called with the result, told me the number flatly, and reminded me that "it doesn't give us any additional information."

I gushed a thank you and hung up, clutching my fix.

Today's beta (20dp3dt) is 7,664.

If the numbers merely doubled every 48 hours, I was hoping for a beta of 4,472. So, okay, maybe it doesn't tell me that there will be a heart beat, or that I won't miscarry, or that my baby will have freckles. But it tells me that for today, I am still pregnant. That's something.

The monster will now kindly leave the clinic alone (for a while).


Mad Hatter said...

I love this post...I've never had the chance to be addicted to all the clinic's ways, but I totally understand where you're coming from. And YAYYYYYYYYYYY 3rd Beta!!!!!! XOXO

tireegal68 said...

I know what you mean - at the moment I have not been into the clinic for almost a week and am having severe withdrawal symptoms. I am not on any meds except my usual vitamin P and pre-natal and DHA and I don't know what the plan is. I am making my DP come home and go over baby names with me just to keep my hopes alive and real. There is no clinic involved in that part but I will take any fix I can get. I have not been on meds since I got my period 21 days ago - I am seriously getting the DTs!!!
Good for you for getting a third beta - great numbers (what do they mean it does not tell us anything?) and I wish I could be more like you. The longer this goes on, the more passive I get -except via email to my doc - which is a blessing for me because I can be assertive without having to engage!

ErinJean said...

I think people who work at fertility clinics deserve an award for dealing with us crazy hormone and drugged up women! I at least would like to think I am not the only crazy one at my clinic...haha! It is good to know there's at least some other ones like me!

I am glad they let you get another Beta! And those numbers are still great! Even if they were lower, remember, the doubling every 48 hour rule is only valid up until a certain point! After that it changes some.

Can't wait till the u/s! I am living vicariously through your pregnancy until mine! :)

embieadoptmom said...

You describe me perfectly in this post!

I am a PSYCHO Fertility clinic stalker too! You're not alone!

Praying you have twins for you!

Lorraine said...

Hee-hee! It's true that we need our fix. My OB asked me to come in this Friday and I am hoping for a scan, even if it's too early (5w4d)for a heartbeat. Just seeing a sac, a fetal pole, anything, would keep me going for another week!

Anonymous said...

the sign of a true mama..........recognizing and embracing the crazy. :)

Anonymous said...

Ha! That's great, love your clinic=stalking! They may have to get a restraining order!

Seriously great numbers, though - you better prepare yourself for multiples!

Anonymous said...

The number tells her nothing??? who cares!!! tells us A LOT!!! it's a fab number superduper big huge number!! I would give my soul away anytime for such a "meaningless" number!! You now have had your fix though, I'm wishing you it'll last until the scan! not long now. Love, Fran

Anonymous said...

There's an Honest Scrap award for you here!

Love, Fran

IVF 40+ said...

Great post! and AMAZING NUMBER!! wow! Oh my. I think, by George, she did it.
Best thing that's happened all week!

thank you for being so kind to me in the midst of all your own worries

just me, dawn said...

yay!! good for you! my clinic does 3 betas which lead me to a 4th beta since the 3rd was stinky....that definitely helped with the wait since by then I only had to wait one week....but the waits just continue, I am currently waiting for 9 days to pass until my next US....i think in the land of IF we feel most comfortable counting down to something.
SO VERY HAPPY for your awesome number!!

Riley said...

This is so true - I think over the past two years, I've grown so accustomed to the schedules, the phone calls, the doctor visits that I'll be in withdrawal when it all stops. You captured these feelings perfectly - great post! Glad you were able to get another beta - I think the number is awesome even if it doesn't tell you anything - yay!!

Inlocoparentis said...

Oh, how right you are. I was a bit of a stalker myself. The weirdest part for me was when, at 7 weeks, we got discharged from the R.E. and the OB started treating me like a plain old pregnant person. I've had two OB appointments in the last eight weeks. Seriously??

stillhopeful said...

Ha ha - that was funny! Glad you got your third beta. Doesn't it make you feel like you really accomplished something when you grt them to do something they normally wouldn't? Makes me feel like I've done SOMETHING within my control, when practically nothing else is!

And hmmmmm.... I'm wondering about twins here.... :)

cindyhoo2 said...

I read this post aloud to my partner and we both laughed until we had tears in our eyes! THis is soooo true.

And I could not be happier about your 3rd beta! Piece of mind is priceless.

K said...

The title of your post seriously cracked me up...then the whole thing made me laugh. But the beta is the best part of all. Sounds like you can ride the wait out awhile now!

Jen said...

Thanks so much for the laughs!!!! I am seriously thinking about emailing this to my ob's office because it explains my insanity as well!!! I am so glad you got the 3rd beta- my doctor, since he has known me for 11 years, was kind enough to do weekly ultrasounds to help me get through the first few weeks- when I went 11 days between appointments, I literally felt like I was breaking an addiction!!! I told the office staff I was weaning myself away from them. Hang in there and keep us laughing with your honesty!!!


Anonymous said...

Isn't this so true? Seriously, it's pretty ridiculous. They can shove an u/s wand up your hoo-ha every other day and draw your blood at the same frequency, but as soon as those embryos are transferred, it's "don't call us, we'll call you...actually, we probabaly won't." The TWW after the positive beta is enough to drive anyone crazy. And the TWW after that until your second u/s too. And then the crazy long 4WW until your 12 week u/s... It seems to never end. Anyway, I'm glad you have such great distractions to keep you occupied...the garden looks BEAUTIFUL!

Yay for the great beta number! I hope the next week passes very quickly for you and the 30th will be here before you know it!

BB said...

It doesn't give you any more additional information???!??!?!? WTF! Yes it sure as holy hell does-it tells you that you are still pregnant!! And for the moment, that is all you need to know to get through another week of waiting for the dizzy u/s! And they should be happy to do it for you! How much money do they have of yours? Seriously. Your post is hysterical and it made me laugh but that lady at the clinic just burned my butt. I want to call her and have some words. Great beta number!!!! Looking foward to our same day ultrasound results!