Yes, Yes, Yes! You guys totally got where I was coming from in my last post. About not telling and trying to enjoy the pg. And I really do want to enjoy it. I know that nausea and swollen ankles are not fun, but just like life itself, we have to bear the difficulties and try to enjoy the daily wonders and blessings.
I guess I was thinking about the "not telling" part because I have a sister who discloses virtually nothing of her life to family. We all live in different states, spread across the country, so communication is by phone or email. My mother thinks that it was inadvertence that my sister let it slip during a phone call that she had planned a 2 week trip to England/Ireland. She left 2 days ago. She apparently had no intention of telling anyone where she was going, how long she'd be gone, the flight she was taking or how to contact her in the event of emergency. Now at least we know which countries she is visiting and how long she plans to be there.
My mother said to me, "I don't know why your sister feels she has to be so secretive."
I know why. It's because our mother can't simply be supportive and encouraging - or at least acknowledge our choices as adults if she can't bring herself to be supportive and encouraging. No. She has to comment, advise, ask annoying questions and say things to make us feel uncomfortable and sorry we said anything at all.
I reminded my mom about the time, so many years ago, when my sister was a teenager and had her first job. One day my sister went shopping and came home with a package of new underwear. Mom jumped right in and asked, "What did you buy? Why did you buy underwear? Don't you have enough underwear? I thought I just bought you underwear at the start of the school year? What happened to those underwear? I don't know why you would buy underwear if you don't need it. Do you think you need more underwear? How much did you spend?"
And on it went. I mean, it was ridiculous. I said, "Mom, for crying out loud, she bought a $5.99 3-pack of underwear. Why does it have to be such a big deal?" When I reminded mom of the story, her comment - even now - was, "Well, I just wondered why she bought underwear."
This is how our mom is - whatever the situation.
My sister's reaction has been simply not to disclose the facts of her private life. That way she avoids all the unwanted harassment. As for me, I tell my mom enough to keep her from asking about other things I'd rather not discuss.
It's not the kind of relationship I wish I could have with my mom, but it's the only one I'm comfortable with.
What's so kooky is that our mom herself was not close with her parents and kept her own life private from them. So you'd think she would understand a little better about not prying and nagging. I guess she is not able to recognize her own behavior as being so similar to her parents' behavior.
Anyway, when I think about telling my mom about what we've gone through in connection with our IF - the testing, the clinics, the monitoring, the drugs, the embryos, the travel and everything else - I know her first question will be "my God, BWUB, how much did all of this cost?!" and then she will freak when she hears the answer.
I'm 43 years old and I'm still not quite sure how to deal with my own mom. I love her. She did a lot for us kids as a divorced parent in the early 1970's when being a divorced woman was not easy. I know she means well and I know she loves us. I also know we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves. I guess I need to be brave enough at some point to be able to tell her what it is I want from her, what I need from her, and what I don't want and won't tolerate from her. That ball is in my court, and I hope someday I have the guts to make the play.
2 months ago