Friday, December 4, 2009

Along the Road, On the Way to the Moon

It was not very long ago that I refused to allow myself to think about concrete baby matters, you know, just in case the pregnancy didn't work out.

I wouldn't think about names.
I wouldn't look at baby clothes.
I wouldn't worry about where the baby would live (i.e., his room).
I wouldn't think about how to afford maternity leave.
I certainly wouldn't do anything as dangerous as look at baby furniture or room decor.

Finally, at 25 weeks, I've begun to consider these last, formerly dangerous, items.

Yeah, I know, I'm probably running late with these things. And I have no real idea of what I want. I began noodling around Amazon and elsewhere just to get ideas. And to look at crib recalls (holy crap, now there's something to worry about!)

As for room decor, generally, I like simple and soothing. I still don't know about color pattern(s) or furniture or anything else.

First, I have to show you this gorgeous fairy tale girl's room idea. It was an ad for expensive bedding. I can only imagine what these gold sheets must cost! My disclaimer is that I loved fairy tales as a child, but perpetuating the "prince charming and happy ending" fallacy is not what I would want to do if I had a daughter. Nevertheless, the image is beautiful.

No princess themes for my baby boy though!

I stumbled across one single item I loved. And it's just a silly toss pillow. It comes from a child's story book - which I had never heard of. But when I read the phrase, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Guess how much I love you? To the moon and back."

All of us in this community, we who have suffered from one form of infertility or another, understand and have lived, suffered, mourned, hoped, lost, and sacrificed to the moon and back, all in the hopes of becoming pregnant and having a baby.

The road is that arduous. It is long. It is exhausting. It can be defeating.

Now, feeling my baby move inside of me, seeing my pregnant belly, and hearing my baby's heart beat each day (I still have the doppler), I finally realize that I might actually get to have and keep this baby.

My IF struggles, the two years' worth of BFNs, my two miscarriages, the meds, the shots, being wanded and probed, the fights with the Outside Monitoring Clinic, the money spent.....I have not forgotten those things. I will never forget those things. They are the road that paved the way to this pregnancy.

But those events suddenly go pale and out of focus, the way the audience and room go dark when you are on stage, looking outward, bright lights in your eyes. Like a weary traveler, stopping momentarily to rest and catch my breath, I turn to see the long road stretched behind me. The miles I have traveled and the hurdles I have cleared. Of course there are still miles of road that I must travel. There are no stage lights, though. Rather, I am looking up at the bright, full moon that lies ahead. At last, it draws nearer. Its magnificent light, shining in my eyes. I feel the impact of my journey.

I am suddenly struck by the words, and how deeply they resonate within my heart.

Yes, I love this baby to the moon and back.


looking4#3 said...

I had the book and read it every night to my daughter. When we were having our son, 15 years later, she insisted that be the first purchase!!! I almost can't make it through the book!! I have debated about changing our nursery to the "Little Nutbrown Hare" theme, because I love it so much!!!
What an amazing post. Such heartfelt, wonderful emotions. I am beyond happy for you to be able to be experiencing these wonderful moments and the so many more that are in store!!!!

Fran said...

I love that pillow too and your post was so beautifully written I have tears in my eyes. I want you to feel my cyber hug from the other side of the World. It's not as far as the moon but still....
Love, Fran

Riley said...

You made me tear up, too - continue to enjoy the journey.

stillhopeful said...

Wow - that was the very first baby book we received as a gift, and the only one we've read to our little one while I've been pregnant. It is such a great book and so applicable to our journey.

I hope you can really enjoy all the planning and decisions ahead of you. I found it to be so much fun.

And you're right, there will always be that long road behind you and you will never forget. A good friend / colleague of mine at work has twins from a second DE cycle, after multiple IVFs and a first failed DE. And he said that he really thinks that people who have gone down this road appreciate their children in a different way than those who have not had to struggle to conceive. And I really think he's right.

IVF 40+ said...

what a lovely and loving post. Really lovely.

I was directed to when we first got pregnant. Great kids ideas although somewhat modern I think.


embieadoptmom said...

LOVE that book-so do my little ones! You tell your story so beautifully! GOD BLESS!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are feeling a bit more like shopping for you little one! It is so scary - I totally get that not wanting to jinx anything; but don't worry about being "too late". You are just fine. There is plenty of time, and don't forget the baby won't need lots of Stuff right away. So enjoy picking your things!

And I love that book too.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post. I am so happy that you are allowing yourself to believe that this is real, and letting yourself fully embrace the experience. Of course it isn't easy. I don't know of a single woman who's dealt with infertility who hasn't struggled with this exact same issue, and for good reason. I won't make any silly statements like "those who got pregnant after infertility love their kids more than those who got pregnant easily," but I do think that there is a special something there. It is one of the few positives that comes out of this whole thing, and I'm so glad that we get to experience that.

Gwynn said...

Beautiful post! I love that book. I'm not sure where we got it from and I had never read it before. Then one night my son picked it out from his stack of books and as I got to end I couldn't even get the words out. Luckily he didn't turn around in my lap and see the tears streaming down my face.

It is true. We do love these hard one babies to the moon and back.

I'm glad that you have been feeling secure enough to start shopping. It took me to my 25th week as well.