Sunday, December 13, 2009

Regaining Perspective

Even before I went to bed last night I was feeling guilty about my last post.

The whining. The crabbing. The complaining about my DH.

I got up at 7 a.m. this morning to quickly take it down before anyone saw it. But wait - there were comments already. Supportive, understanding, validating comments! I should have known that you guys would take my big waaah-fest with a grain of salt and back me up.


I still feel badly though. The male co-worker of mine of whose wife gave me a gift bag full of baby goodies? He and I chatted last week about work strategy - before digressing onto the topic of babies.

He told me how, when his wife was pregnant with their first child, he was happy and excited and all, but he didn't really get it until the moment the baby was born and he heard his son's first cries.

He said that for women, we begin to change our feelings, our mindset, our priorities and everything else during the pregnancy. After all, we are the ones who carry the baby, who feel the baby move, who realize with every cell of our being that we are no longer alone. And I think for IF'ers, our feelings about having a child kicked in long ago.

But, he said, it was different for him, and for most men, he suspects. Except for the fact that they see their wives' bellies growing and intellectually know there is a baby, they just are not as affected as we are. But then, he said, at the moment he heard the cry, it all changed (no, he was not over the doctor's shoulder, witnessing the baby crown. I guess he couldn't handle that. When I first witnessed a crowning, I found that experience alone to be miraculous).

Upon hearing his newborn son's first cry, he said it was like a tiny, dormant seed in the back of his brain was suddenly triggered, releasing a chemical throughout his body that changed him. Changed how he thought and how he felt and what he realized. He cried. He cried! He is not an emotional guy. He said the moment was life changing for him.

Well, this gives me, and hopefully others, some hope that when the time comes, our DHs too will experience a similar change. I have to realize that my need to control everything about this pregnancy - including the way my DH feels and acts - is unnecessary. I need to stop complaining and just come to grips with the fact that until the baby is born, my DH is not in the same place as me. And I need to be okay with that.

I do, however, appreciate the supportive comments, and even getting a chuckle out of some of the suggestions, like swiping the gift card and enjoying a spa day for myself! As usual, you guys have once again come through for me.


Anonymous said...

Haha, just read both posts and I'm glad you left the last one up - I LOVE the description of the microwave replacement! This sounds just like our house, except the one in the garage would be broken...and there would be 3 others collected for parts, and then there would be the "fixing" of the broken one, which would result in burning things and not fixed microwave, at which point DH would go read a book and leave dead microwaves all over the kitchen! Boyz are annoying sometimes.

I have to say the gift card is not surprising. And since he got it at his work I'd probably let him do what he wanted with it. And in a few months he will have a different perspective on things it is true! Mr Momma still doesn't think to buy things for the family first, I think it's just the way they are wired!

IVF 40+ said...

Oh now I feel bad about bitching on my DH!! Damn. And I was so enjoying rattling on about respective bad boys!!!

cindyhoo2 said...

LOL. Kvetching about our significant others is half the fun of having them! But your prespective is correct-- trying to control other's people's feelings and reactions never ends well.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I've done the same - regretted blog posts soon after I've posted them. But don't feel bad - remember that blogging is alot about how you are feeling at that very moment. People who "know" you through your blog could see that it was unusual kvetching for you, but Lord, girl -- you do have alot going on. Give yourself a break!! I do love the perspective from your male coworker about how it's hard for them to "get it" during the pregnancy -- I'll have to try and remember that if DH and I get pg again.

anofferingoflove said...

dont feel bad - this is your place to say whatever you want!

i think my dp felt the same way, to some degree. its just different for the pregnant one...

just me, dawn said...

sweetie, you can say whatever you feel at the moment you write it....and lord knows i feel one way one moment and then almost immediately feel differently LOL. I really do believe that it is different for the men as they are not in tune 24 hours a day with the little one. I am always putting DHs hand on my belly so he can feel her, so it is more real....more often :)

Mad Hatter said...

Oh, goodness, I do hope it's okay to vent about DHs now and then on these blogs or I'm in big trouble! IF causes such a huge strain on marriages that everything from ovulation to buying baby clothes is super-high-stakes amplified, and we need to acknowledge that. I believe true friends, IRL or the bloggy kind, should be able to share these things about our DHs with the absolute understanding that all our DHs are truly great guys and our marriages are solid.