Closer Than We Think

I felt somewhat better when I got up this morning, so I went to work. By 1:00 p.m. though, I knew I wasn't going to make it. Sinus pressure, headache and stuffiness were mounting a great war against my attempts to focus, think and concentrate on work.

By 2:10 I decided I'd had enough. I wanted to go home. But I had a 2:30 meeting scheduled with the lead attorney on that big case that might take me to southern California for a hearing next month. I went to go talk to him and tell him I just couldn't make it. He's also the final "boss" I wanted to tell that I am pregnant. He was recently promoted, and he is leading this case, so he ought to know before my peers.

He's a real teaser. He likes to joke and rib and tease a lot. In the short time I've been at this job, I feel like he and I have developed a great relationship. We work well together, I actually like his sense of humor, and I can dish it as well as take it.

So I schlumped over to his office, stood in the doorway and said, "Dave, I can't make the meeting. Can we reschedule? I'm going home. I don't feel well." First he had to tease me that the meeting was my idea in the first place, and now I'm bailing. Yeah, I know it was. Then he teased that everyone is feeling under the weather, but if I can't stick it out....

I saw my opportunity.

I said, "Well, there's another reason I'm feeling especially tired and drained by this cold virus" and I told him that I'm pregnant.

His response caught me entirely off guard.

He said, "Wow. Congratulations. My wife has been m/c'ing for a month now, bleeding for all this time, but hey, glad it's worked out for you."

It just goes to show, you never know whose life is being, or has been, affected by IF, or in some cases, FI (fertility issues).

I quickly told him that I have had 2 m/c's and I understand the loss and pain and I'm so sorry he and his wife are going through this. He relented a little at that point and opened up a bit.

He wanted to talk about fertility. About eggs and follicles and the likelihood that early first trimester loss is generally attributable to chromosomal anomalies. He wanted to talk about his wife's stressful job and how he wonders whether that might contribute to IF problems. He even talked about his own grief over the loss and how difficult it is to see his wife suffering. His phone rang twice while we talked, and he let it ring.

You just never know. I felt badly that I casually announced my pregnancy to him. But I couldn't have known. And in the end, I think our conversation was appreciated by both of us.

I thought about it afterward and here's the thing: we're all in a sticky position.

It's not fair for those suffering through IF, FI, m/c's or our 300th BFN to see a pregnant belly and assume that the woman simply "fell pregnant" when her husband winked at her (unless, of course, you know this to be the case). Perhaps that woman suffered 10 years of IF herself before achieving that pregnant belly.

And those who struggled with IF and were fortunate enough to achieve pregnancy can't go around prefacing statements about their pregnancy with: "Before I say anything, are you, or have you, suffered IF?" We can't assume everyone has suffered what we have.

It's just a weird predicament. We feel sharply protective about our own feelings but even if we think before we speak, nothing guarantees that what we think will be right.

Before we finished our conversation, Dave told me that if I felt too stressed about the big case and wanted off, he would understand. He said he didn't want it to cause me any stress, and although he liked working with me, he wanted me to take care of myself. I told him I was happy working on the case, but confessed I no longer had a suit that fit. He said, "Don't worry, we'll work something out."

I hope that Dave and his wife are soon enjoying a healthy pregnancy.
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