Trapped in Booth Hell

Well, I thought I was off scot-free. Not so.

Usually it's Christmas at Wacky P's. But this year, MIL and FIL both have other plans, so we're off the hook and - for the first time ever - my DH and I get to spend Christmas home alone together! This is wonderful news to the both of us.

Ah, but not so fast.

MIL was going to be in town this week and wanted to see us. She has something for us. Well, okay, MIL by herself isn't so bad. And the plan was just to go out for dinner. So it would be a time limited event.

On Thursday, DH emailed me at work (which, by the way, was a day in hell unto itself) and said there had been a change in plans. New plan was to have lunch Friday (yesterday) with MIL and Wacky P.

Really? Do we have to? Will Wacky P's kids be there? Does Wacky P get to choose the restaurant (as usual)? Poor DH. He doesn't know the answers. He just knows I'm putting up resistance. As usual.

So, okay, [sigh] it's just lunch. At least we got to pick the restaurant (I insisted).

And, as it turned out, no kids - just MIL and Wacky P and DH and me.

So there I am. Trapped in a booth. Looking out the window, gazing at all the people walking by. Those not trapped in a booth with MIL and Wacky P.

Here is an assortment of the questions/comments MIL and Wacky P posed:

- What are you going to do for daycare?

- The county provides a list of approved daycare providers, people's whose homes are licensed...

- You know, one question you should absolutely ask any daycare provider is whether you can drop by at any time unannounced. If they say no, you don't want that place.

- You're not going to have a C-Section are you? (this was MIL's question, to which Wacky P immediately replied: "No, of course she won't, she's healthy and strong and there's no reason she can't push that baby out.")

- Do you have a doula or midwife?

- I have a wonderful book about natural childbirth...it's called "Blah Blah Blah" and it really helped me.

- Will your mom be there for the birth?

- Is your mom coming to help you with the baby when it's born?

- Do you have a breast pump?

- You know, there's a lot to taking care of a newborn, but you'll eventually figure it out.

- Will Mr. BWUB get to take some time off when the baby's born?

- How much maternity leave do you get?

- What are you going to do about Daisy (my bark-happy dog) and the baby ?

- Do you knit? Can I knit you blanket? What color do you want?

- (From Wacky P): Oh, we used Such-And-Such daycare with both of our kids. Do you know Such-and-Such daycare? Well, they serve organic vegetarian meals and they do this and that and blah, blah, blah.

- Did you know that in some cultures they use a birthing sling? They squat over it....[okay, at this point I mentally checked out. Holy crap, were they really going to discuss the mechanics of childbirth in a restaurant?].

I was in hell. Not all of the questions were that terrible, but it was like a firing squad of questions coming at me. And it was in public. I'm sure the old man in the booth behind us was delighting in all this talk about natural childbirth and breast pumps and birthing slings.

And - duh - I was a pediatric nurse for crying out loud. I worked peds, intensive care and even the NICU. I managed 3 preemies for 12 hours at a time. Yeah, I know that my own child will be different, and I won't get to leave after 12 hours, but good gravy (I'm trying to cut back on the profanity so I don't sound like a trucker to our baby), I think I know how to hold, feed, change and burp a baby. Hell, I can just about twirl a newborn over my head like a baton.

As for the childbirth experience itself, no one can know what that is like until they've gone through it. Wacky P can't say that I won't need a C-section. Duh. What if the baby is breach? What if he won't engage? What if labor stalls for too long? I just didn't want to get into all this with them.

Ultimately, too, not much of this is their business. At least in my mind it's not their business. My DH sat there eating and saying almost nothing the entire meal. He thinks they're just interested and trying to "bond" with me.

The only saving grace was that we were there and done in less than an hour. MIL gave us a Christmas gift and that was that.

Good grief. NOW you see why Christmas alone sounds so good.
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