Sunday, January 31, 2010

A Day of Sunshine and a Day of Shopping

The sun was shining Saturday. It was the first sunshine we've had in what feels like weeks. It's been nonstop rain or fog until Saturday. And I apologize to those who are buried in snow and/or ice and have no sympathy for me!

My DH and I spent about 4 hours in the yard on Saturday, cleaning up leaves and tree litter from the most recent storms, raking, sweeping, clearing away storm yuk...it was heaven. He even got on a ladder and cleared out the gutters. I LOVE the way the yard looks now. Of course my DH did most of the work, and he usually hates yard work. But he was insistent that I not overdo it, that I rest frequently and that I leave any and all lifting (a rake?) to him. I did prune the roses and sweep a bit.

Mostly I was just glad to feel warm sunshine on my face. Ahhhh.

Today, Sunday, we took a list and went shopping. My DH, as is his tendency to become anxious about things, really wants us to get our hospital bag packed...just in case. Plus, he wants to be sure we have the things we'll need at home, just in case the baby comes early.

I bought myself a pair of pajamas and a nightgown, both with tops that unbutton for ease of breast feeding. I also bought 2 nursing bras, but had to guess at what the right size might be. We got a cute pair of baby shoes that happened to be on sale. And finally, we bought a play yard that doubles as a bassinet.

As we walked through the BRU parking lot, heading into the store, I told my DH that part of me felt scared buying these things. Who did we think we were, buying baby things? I mean, the baby is not here yet. There's a chance....maybe he never will be here. Maybe he'll never come home. I mumbled something about keeping all the receipts.

My DH tried to smooth over what I'd just said by saying that everyone goes through this kind of anxiety. But I told him assuredly - no - it's not the same for everyone. There are people in the world who get pregnant without difficulty, who immediately run out to buy a crib and clothes and blankets, and all while they are announcing the news to everyone they know.

They have no fear. They have no anxiety. The thought simply doesn't enter their minds that something could go wrong.

What lucky people they are.

And chances are, they never have to give their pregnancy a second thought because all goes well.

But that's not me. That's not us. Until this baby is safely in my arms, all in one piece, breathing and squawking and wiggling and looking me in the eye, I won't - I can't - be sure.

We set up the play yard in the baby's room. I put a teddy bear and a blanket in it. Three little toys dangle from the toy bar that arches over top. It's strange to walk by that room and see the play yard, waiting for a baby to occupy it.

Strange, but also beautiful.


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7 comments:

MathildeHayward said...

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cindyhoo2 said...

Awww, I am so sorry that you have that fear even now. Though I think you are right about where it comes from- the losses and heartache of so many babies who only ever got to live in your heart. But try to separate your little guy from those others in your mind. This one is your take-home son. Easier said than done, I know. Really I am talking to myself too. This painful ttc road makes us become superstitious, always fearful we will "jinx this one." ((hugs)) enjoy the sunshine: it sounds lovely.

embieadoptmom said...

I HEAR YOU ON THE FEAR... The sermon in church yesterday was on JUST THAT. That NO FEAR is from God.... CAST YOUR CARES UPON HIM. I fear every day... every single day. that my baby is not okay. I must LET IT GO. It's just so hard... You are SO RIGHT. When I had my daughter at 20, I NEVER FEARED THE THOUGHT OF A LOSS...NEVER...I will overcome this before the baby comes I HOPE...with God's help.

Gwynn said...

I remember that fear. Thinking that if I bought anything I might jinx it. Thinking that things might not turn out ok. And totally envying everyone (including a friend of mine who was having an ivf baby) who could just plow ahead blissfully with their pregnancy without the fears that I was harboring. I think that's why DH's need to be part of the mix. They are great at that level-headed soothing that we so desperately need as we go through this.

Keeping peeking in on your little corner of joy. It will help push those dark thoughts away.

stillhopeful said...

good for you getting the pack n play. I know it's hard to buy things without feeling like you're tempting fate, but try to enjoy it as much as you can... and once your little one is here, you can buy to your heart's content!!

K said...

It's very cute, and I like the paint color, BTW. Not sure if you were thinking about changing that still? I have not brought myself to venture to BRU yet. I don't know if I can do it.

optimisticallyhopeful said...

Yay for things for the baby's room! Is that the Pippin pattern with the elephants on it? We have that pattern for our car seat, it's so cute!

I totally hear you on the worry and fear of buying things for the baby. It's so hard to put it aside and let yourself believe that it will be OK. I can say that it is so much more fun to just let it go and enjoy it for what it is, it's just really hard to get to that point. Hopefully your upcoming showers will help you to fill that nursery without having to contemplate it all too much.

Glad to hear you had some sun, it does wonders, doesn't it? We had some yesterday and it was fantastic, even though it wasn't even 30 degrees outside.