Lest anyone think my life is all sunshine and lollipops, let me assure you, it's not.
Today is not a good day.
First, it's 9/11, and we all know the import of that. I went to ground zero in 2002 and was overcome with emotion seeing the giant, city block-sized hole in the ground. There simply are no words concerning that horror.
It's also the anniversary of a friend's death. She was young, beautiful, the mom of a one-year old boy and in nursing school. It all ended the morning that her ex-boyfriend, the baby's father, beat and suffocated her to death. At her service, she looked like a shattered doll that someone tried to glue back together without much success. It's hard to hide dark bruises and a swollen face with make up. I still remember you, Jess.
Third, I hope it's just hormones making me overreact, but I'm really REALLY upset with my spouse right now. No "dear" in his name today. He did something Tuesday night that put me into a tailspin. Actually, it's just a single highlight in a pattern of behavior. And we haven't had an opportunity to hash it all out yet. It needs to be hashed.
You know how one little event, mildly upsetting in and of itself, can trigger thoughts and worries of a much grander scale? It takes you down a whole other path. That's what happened.
So now I'm sitting here thinking, "WTF? Is this guy going to buck up and be the husband and father that both I and this baby NEED him to be, or what? Or is he going to continue to live his life selfishly and putting his own needs/wants first, to the detriment of his family?" Fucq that because I refuse to play that game or enable that behavior for the next 30 years. Weak, dependent, needy woman I am not.
Sorry to be such a downer today. And I can't bear to have this post hang around forever. I'm going to delete it later. I just needed to get it out....like a good, long scream.
5 weeks ago