Friday, September 11, 2009

Bad Day

Lest anyone think my life is all sunshine and lollipops, let me assure you, it's not.

Today is not a good day.

First, it's 9/11, and we all know the import of that. I went to ground zero in 2002 and was overcome with emotion seeing the giant, city block-sized hole in the ground. There simply are no words concerning that horror.

It's also the anniversary of a friend's death. She was young, beautiful, the mom of a one-year old boy and in nursing school. It all ended the morning that her ex-boyfriend, the baby's father, beat and suffocated her to death. At her service, she looked like a shattered doll that someone tried to glue back together without much success. It's hard to hide dark bruises and a swollen face with make up. I still remember you, Jess.

Third, I hope it's just hormones making me overreact, but I'm really REALLY upset with my spouse right now. No "dear" in his name today. He did something Tuesday night that put me into a tailspin. Actually, it's just a single highlight in a pattern of behavior. And we haven't had an opportunity to hash it all out yet. It needs to be hashed.

You know how one little event, mildly upsetting in and of itself, can trigger thoughts and worries of a much grander scale? It takes you down a whole other path. That's what happened.

So now I'm sitting here thinking, "WTF? Is this guy going to buck up and be the husband and father that both I and this baby NEED him to be, or what? Or is he going to continue to live his life selfishly and putting his own needs/wants first, to the detriment of his family?" Fucq that because I refuse to play that game or enable that behavior for the next 30 years. Weak, dependent, needy woman I am not.

Sigh.

Sorry to be such a downer today. And I can't bear to have this post hang around forever. I'm going to delete it later. I just needed to get it out....like a good, long scream.
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10 comments:

Fran said...

Petal, I don't think you should be deleting this post. For one thing it has two important events to remember. Both sad and unnecessary and we owe them a moment. Then, once the hormones have settled and you'll hug your husband again, this post may just be seen with a different light. You know I'm here for you, feel free to send me a ranting email any time. Much love, Fran

ps: I'm sure your husband will melt at the sight of his baby and be there for both of you. I have no doubt about this.

cindyhoo2 said...

Oh my. You have quite a full plate of worries today. Memories of the date, memories of your friend and a spouse behaving like a Neanderthal definitely add up to a bad day. Many hugs. I hope your feelings resolve soon and that your husband steps up to the plate.

C Lo said...

let it out. we'll be hear to lend you some support.

just me, dawn said...

I don't know the event, so can't really say but my thought is that you love your husband very much and that, that moment will pass and you will be in a better spot. But if the event was bigger than that, then I say talk to him about your concerns, that is the only way he can possibly know how you are feeling. and i think leave the post, good days and bad days are real. ((hugs))

BB said...

Please don't delete your post. You are being honest, you need to vent and we are here for you. Today is tough for a lot of people. The images on the news the constant reporting- it all brings us right back to that day. And I am so sorry to hear about your friend. What a terrible tragedy and loss. She is being remembered today- through your post. About the spouse-ack! Definitely hash it out.

I had this vision of some things not necessarily changing once we became pregnant but hoping for a different perspective - from him mainly. Not to say that I am perfect but it is all about these babies for me. It is difficult when your spouse isn't on the same page when you need him to be. I'm sure everything will be ok once you talk. Good luck T.

Jen said...

Hang in there- I have had the same thoughts about my hunny many times during this pregnancy. If it is something serious- please get yourself counseling and tell him to go as well. I pray you find peace!!!

Hugs!!!

Alex P said...

If you are thinking of deleting this because you will be letting go of it, then ok. But if you're deleting it because youre hiding it away deep inside yourself... well to quote Oceans 11- its Barney (as in rubble.... TROUBLE).

I think relationships are kindof like our circadian rythyms... there are definitely ebbs and flows, and there are always really strong undercurrents- always things you dont like, and are part of the persons character... but you still love the person. It will be ok. This is just one of those icky undercurrents. But its not the only part of him, and he will do something good to remind you soon.

Love and snuggles.

IVF 40+ said...

just read this one. sorry. i hope you have found some resolution with dh. i used to be a domestic violence advocate and saw horrendous things. i'm sorry for the loss of your friend to violence.

Riley said...

What a bad day - I'm sorry. I hope you get the chance to talk with your husband and work things out. We're here. We're thinking of you.

looking4#3 said...

SSshhh, don't tell anyone, but I LEFT my husband days before our son was born. He was being selfish, self-centered and inconsiderate. Obviously, we both came to our senses and hashed it out. But, I do have to say, there are STILL times where he behaves like this. Unfortunately, we all have a tendency to sometimes be this way. It sucks. Sometimes, I think God has me/us go through the crappy, rainy, terrible weather, so we appreciate the sunny, bright, gorgeous days that come. So that once we "weather the storm" we can rest and enjoy the quiet peaceful times.
I am so sorry for the loss of Jess. To have to see your friend for the last time in that state is horrible. For her to be put in that state is even more horrendous. What an absolute tragedy. I am sure she knows you remember her and I am sure she has been cuddling that little one of yours this entire time!!! (Not to mention taking care of your first and second children as well)
Be kind to yourself. Your hormones are crazy!!!