Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Some Things Never Change

A new attorney started working in my office this past Monday. I'm no longer the newest newbie! Yay!

She's a nice young woman, younger than me. She came from a law firm where I happen to know a few people. So I asked her, "Say, do you know Jane Jones?" Yes, in fact she did.

I told her that Jane Jones was in my law school class. Jane's husband was also in our class and that's where they met.

Okay, I was just making conversation. I never really liked Jane all that much. Why? Oh, because she effortless graduated 2nd in our class. Because she's young and cute with pretty hair and a pretty face. She's got a nice tiny figure, a brilliant mind, won everything she entered just appears to come too damn easy to her.

So I was just making conversation.

And know what my new colleague told me at that moment, don't you? Yes, you do. Perfect Jane and her similarly perfect husband are expecting their first perfect child. In November.

Yes, I know I'm pregnant. I'm happy and overjoyed and have no right to begrudge anyone anything.

But some feelings run deep and some things don't change.

I'm sure Perfect Jane and her husband decided when they wanted to start a family and were pregnant the next month. I'm sure she never had a worry or a problem with her pregnancy. I'm sure she never spotted. I'm sure both sets of grandparents are over the moon, buying them truckloads of gifts. I'm sure Jane is a glowing preggie, no bloat or mask or weight gain except in her gorgeously round belly. I'm sure Jane's labor and delivery will be a piece of cake, her brow barely breaking a sweat. I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-pregnancy weight a mere two months after giving birth. I'm just so sure.

Why did I react like this? Why did I feel such a surge of animosity for her pregnancy when I've got a happy pregnancy of my own? Maybe I've felt so defeated and on the receiving end of the short stick for so long, that it's hard to change that pattern of thought. Maybe I'm just envious of people who, in my view, seem to have lady luck ride in their laps all the time. I don't really know. I just know that I caught myself having this string of thoughts and a separate part of my brain was thinking, "Wow, you've got issues, girl."

Facing my new colleague as she gave me the news of Jane's current status, I simply smiled and said, "Oh, how nice!" At least I'm also good at reacting quickly.


Anonymous said...

"Why did I react like this? Why did I feel such a surge of animosity for her pregnancy when I've got a happy pregnancy of my own?" ---- because you've been to hell and back in the last few years and those memories dont just go away overnight.

i have the same "issues" - i cant really imagine them ever going away. i think i'll ALWAYS hold a grudge against women who get pregnant easily and then have uncomplicated, carefree pregnancies.

hopefully, when we have our babes in our arms, it will lessen, but i fear it will always be there, in some form. such is the aftermath of IF/loss. ((hugs))

just me, dawn said...

BWUB- i sometimes feel that way, but then again we probably always will, but I always think that EVERY day we will know how miraculous our children truly are and that my friend is worth it all. (do i wish we never struggled, sure, but then again we would have never met) ((hugs))

Fran said...

Sweetie, some how I think that your friend didn't have that pregnancy that easily, somehow i feel it was really difficult for her too. Of course I have no real knowledge of why I feel this, in fact I have no knowledge at all! On thing though, your baby is just going to be the most beautiful thing ever made, and that will definitely make Perfect Jane jealous! Love, Fran

K said...

Jane's got nothin on you. :)

Lorraine said...

Perfect Janes are always doing that - like my friend Perfect Emma, who went through a divorce and ended up with way more than she wanted, a new boyfriend (who is actually stopped on the street by modeling scouts on a daily basis), who adores her and - you guessed it - a new baby within a year who looks just like him and will probably be stopped on the streets by child-model scouts...

Everyone else going through divorce comes out flattened and desperately trying to put themselves back together. But the Perfects somehow have a way of being exempt from all of that, and that is why they just make us feel that life is generally unfair. Which, of course, it is - but it is just disheartening to see that the inequities work in favor of some people...