Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Some Things Never Change

A new attorney started working in my office this past Monday. I'm no longer the newest newbie! Yay!

She's a nice young woman, younger than me. She came from a law firm where I happen to know a few people. So I asked her, "Say, do you know Jane Jones?" Yes, in fact she did.

I told her that Jane Jones was in my law school class. Jane's husband was also in our class and that's where they met.

Okay, I was just making conversation. I never really liked Jane all that much. Why? Oh, because she effortless graduated 2nd in our class. Because she's young and cute with pretty hair and a pretty face. She's got a nice tiny figure, a brilliant mind, won everything she entered just appears to come too damn easy to her.

So I was just making conversation.

And know what my new colleague told me at that moment, don't you? Yes, you do. Perfect Jane and her similarly perfect husband are expecting their first perfect child. In November.

Yes, I know I'm pregnant. I'm happy and overjoyed and have no right to begrudge anyone anything.

But some feelings run deep and some things don't change.

I'm sure Perfect Jane and her husband decided when they wanted to start a family and were pregnant the next month. I'm sure she never had a worry or a problem with her pregnancy. I'm sure she never spotted. I'm sure both sets of grandparents are over the moon, buying them truckloads of gifts. I'm sure Jane is a glowing preggie, no bloat or mask or weight gain except in her gorgeously round belly. I'm sure Jane's labor and delivery will be a piece of cake, her brow barely breaking a sweat. I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-pregnancy weight a mere two months after giving birth. I'm just so sure.

Why did I react like this? Why did I feel such a surge of animosity for her pregnancy when I've got a happy pregnancy of my own? Maybe I've felt so defeated and on the receiving end of the short stick for so long, that it's hard to change that pattern of thought. Maybe I'm just envious of people who, in my view, seem to have lady luck ride in their laps all the time. I don't really know. I just know that I caught myself having this string of thoughts and a separate part of my brain was thinking, "Wow, you've got issues, girl."

Facing my new colleague as she gave me the news of Jane's current status, I simply smiled and said, "Oh, how nice!" At least I'm also good at reacting quickly.

On a Whim

Welcome new followers! So happy to have you!

The other day at work I was kind of bored and bravely surfing the internet. Our computers are blocked from accessing blog sites and other various websites, but it doesn't block amazon or ebay or craigslist or other shopping sites. Strange.

So on a whim I found myself looking at fetal dopplers. I hadn't even been thinking about them. It seems I was trying to recall how cheaply they could be rented and whether you would be locked in to a term of months. I should be able to start feeling the baby move sometime within the next month. But until then....the days seem long. Baby, are you alive in there? So I guess I wondered whether I could get one for just a month.

The doppler arrived at my door the next day! Boy, that was easy. For $25 I have use of this very nice little doppler for the next 30 days. "For less than $1 dollar a day...." A commercial seemed to run through my mind.

Finding the heartbeat proved a little tricky. I kept hearing my own. I moved the probe here, there, to the left, to the right. Finally, before panic set in, I found it. Ohhhh, it's way down there? Just 1/2 inch above the pubic hairline. I clocked that racehorse at 142 bpm. I check it 3 times a day: morning, after work, before bed. That means I pay 33 cents for each opportunity to hear my baby's heartbeat.

I can't think of a better deal on earth.

....And now....a mom update.....
My mom emailed me yesterday. She said that the news came as a bit of a shock at first, but now that it's had some time to sink in, she's sooooooooooo happy for me and she's sorry I had to go through sooooo much to get here. She said she loved the illustrations in my book and commented on how there will be so much fun stuff to do getting ready for the baby. So, I feel a little better about it all.

The world is beginning to make sense again.

Monday, September 28, 2009

...And the Next to Know

Thank you all for your support, encouragement and comfort. It means so much to me. Being on the phone with my mom the other day was like one long, slow deflation. I just kept sinking until I wanted nothing more than to finish the conversation and get off the phone.

Oh, I think that with time she'll come around some. But of course I know how my mom is. How she's always been. How everything is about her. The world is out to make her life miserable, by the way. It's a conspiracy (as though no one else has day-to-day issues to deal with). But still....I had hoped that this time would somehow be a little different.

My dad called Sunday morning. He was quiet at first and then said, "C [his wife] says 'congratulations.'" I asked, "Do you say congratulations too?" He laughed his gentle, sweet, loving laugh and said, "Yes, of course, congratulations, honey."

He too said it was quite a surprise and then asked how I was feeling, if I'd had much morning sickness, and if we were busily getting a nursery ready. He was kind and sweet and accepting. When I said that I hadn't felt comfortable saying anything prior to this (because of the miscarriages) he quickly said, "No, of course, I understand."

And that's my dad. Kind and gentle and understanding.

My older sister (the one with the 21 year old son) called today, so I took the opportunity to tell her the news by phone.

I said, "Oh, you know St. Patrick's Day is next March I think. Guess what's going to happen right around that time?"

She asked casually, "What?"

I said, "I'm going to have a baby."

Well, she was delighted and tickled. At least she was delighted and tickled after she asked me two or three times if I was serious and for real???? She asked me how I felt and she was excited and giggled when I told her about my various u/s's and how one looked like a rectangle (the first one) and one looked like a chicken drumstick.

We talked about our mom and how she gave my sister grief 21 years ago, too. My sister was 22 or so at the time, not married (living with the father) and when mom first learned of my sister's pregnancy, she said to my sister, "Well.....take care of it." Meaning: go get an abortion. Wisely my sister waited long enough before telling our mom, so my sister replied, "It's too late for that." My mother said, "You can't even take care of yourself. How are you going to take care of a baby?"

Well, the truth is that my nephew is a pretty messed up kid for a lot of reasons, many of which have to do with my sister. But no one could have known the future back then and what my mom said to her was hurtful. So my sister was very supportive of me and insisted I not let our mom hurt my feelings or get to me.

As we were about to get off the phone my sister said, "Heeeeyyyy, I just realized. I'm going to be an auntie!" She really is happy for me. Which I appreciate. ministerial act: I changed my blog template to accommodate the ticker I put up. But I'm not too fond of the new format, so I'm switching back. I'll just have to go find a different ticker that fits in the space.

Love to you all.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

A Big Letdown

I suppose if you allow yourself to have expectations, they will occasionally be dashed. Trampled. Shattered.

My mom received her cartoon booklet. She didn't call. I called her. She was...uh...flat. That's the best way I can describe it.

She said, "Well, that sure was a surprise. So you were sneaking around and sneaking out of town without telling your mom. You were laid off from your job, but you were buying expensive airline tickets. And wasn't that a long drive to the clinic?"

No "Congratulations!" No "I'm SOOOOO Happy!" No tears of joy.

She asked if we'd purchased anything yet. I said not really because I had been too worried that the pregnancy might not make it and I didn't want to jinx anything. She said that she has some things of my nephew's when he was a tot that she was going to sell in a garage sale and it's a good thing she found out in the nick of time. Um, okay.

She asked when we would find out the baby's gender. I told her the gender u/s is scheduled for October 30th. That I had hoped to be able to have it done during her visit, but that the doctor's office wanted to do it closer to 20 weeks. Then I told her that I'd heard about a place here in town that will do a 2D u/s for $65 - they can determine the gender and they give you 10 pictures and a DVD. So I told her I thought we could do that while she's here visiting.

She said "Oh, so you'd do that just to find out the gender sooner?" I said "No, I thought you'd want to see the baby live and moving." She said flatly, "Yeah, we could do that."

I was deflating fast.

I told her that as long as the baby is healthy and gets here in one piece, I don't really care whether it's a boy or a girl, and although we want to find out before it's born, I'm not in a huge rush to know this minute.

She said, "I still hope it's a girl."

Yes, mom, of course you do because I remember how hard it was for you to be excited or happy when my sister announced (21 years ago) that she was having a boy and how disappointed you were because you just find it so hard to love a baby boy.

WTF. No, I didn't say all of that. I just thought it.

Then she asked if we'd chosen names yet. I told her no. That we'd tossed around a couple, but hadn't really gotten anywhere. She launched into the names she likes. You know, she REALLY wants this kid to have a name SHE likes.

At one point she said, "So no wonder you want me to move out there by you. I guess this means you want me there by March then, right?"

WHAT?! Moving here was her idea. Not mine. I don't care where she chooses to live. And I told her no, she doesn't need to be here by March.

I could tell, by the sound and tone of her voice, that she was really trying to act happy and ask me questions. But I know her well enough to know it wasn't genuine. She was struggling to say the things she thought I wanted to hear.

And most of the conversation, by the way, was about anyone and anything other than me, this pregnancy or my baby. She talked about the garage sales she went to this morning. She talked about some sheets she wanted to buy at a department store. She talked about how long it took she and her brother once to drive to Myrtle Beach. She talked about a former co-worker of hers. Blah. Blah. Blah. I just sat there, silent.

I don't mean to be selfish and self-centered here. The world is not about me. I just thought that maybe this one conversation could be about the most important thing that's happening in my life.

Sorry, love, not this time.

As we were getting off the phone she said something like, "I'm just so surprised and I have to get used to it all."

Well, when we finally hung up, my husband came into the room. I told him how it went. He was sweet and supportive and great. He actually wasn't surprised at my mom's reaction (knowing how she is). I naively thought she would really be excited. But he caressed my belly and said "Well we're happy about our baby no matter what anyone else thinks." And we are.

Then we talked about the cartoon booklet and also about reasons my mom might have reacted the way she did.

One: She's disappointed and hurt that I didn't mention any of this to her before now. That's reasonable. I assumed this one as a calculated risk. But after all the negativity I got when I mentioned the whole IVF thing last year, I decided not to tell her.

Two: She's disappointed that is not a "blood" baby. Not my blood. Not her blood. It's just some ole baby that came from some strangers she doesn't know. And, btw, it could (gasp!) be a boy.

Three: The cartoon book overwhelmed her. There was a lot of information in there. A lot to think about. My husband thought perhaps her response would have been different if we'd just verbally announced, "We're pregnant!" And then worried about explanations later. People can respond to "we're pregnant" quicker and with more emotion than they can to a 30 page booklet.

My dad and his wife haven't called yet. I'm pretty certain they should have received their copy by now.

So I'm re-thinking all those other copies of the cartoon booklet we have. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Now though, I can see the pitfalls of making the announcement this way.

Maybe we'll just say "We're pregnant!" and not worry about offering the whole explanation to everyone. Maybe we'll bring out the booklet much later, after the news has been delivered and accepted. Or in some cases not at all. Besides, as my DH said, usually when a couple announce that they are pregnant, people don't jump right in and ask, "Is it yours? Did you do IVF?" Well, maybe those who have been down that path themselves, but that doesn't include the people in our RL.

Anyway, I really am disappointed in my mom's response. I was sure she'd be really happy. But this is our family. Mine and my husband's. And we're happy. So my mom can think whatever she wants. If it's a boy she can be disappointed. She can hate the name we choose. I don't give a flying cow bell.

Sigh. When things don't turn out the way you imagined, it can be a big letdown. Which sucks. But then again, I've known for quite some time that my life is not a fairy tale.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Paranoia and Pictures

I've been paranoid. At work lately I have been paranoid that my co-workers are looking at my belly. That they're silently assessing whether they think I'm pregnant. I wear long shirts and I try to stand tall and even suck it in as best I can. I hold papers or files in front of me when I can. I'm paranoid someone will guess. My husband says I just look like a chubby state worker. I had lunch with former co-workers last week and they didn't notice. But still, I watch my current co-workers' eyes and try to determine if they're thinking about my belly.

Silly, huh?

In other news, I put the comic book in the mail to my parents and they should receive it tomorrow or Saturday. I'm excited to get their phone calls. I'm so glad you all enjoyed the book so much.

We were invited to a potluck get together with some of my good friends on October 4. I will be 16 weeks. Four months. I plan to take a comic book and at some point have one of the older children read it aloud to everyone (sweet K is now 14 and was the flower girl at my wedding). But I know my friends and they will guess and shout it out long before K gets half way through the book. I'm going to tell them to sit down, shut up and listen (well...maybe).

I scheduled my gender-determining ultrasound for October 30th. The girl who set the appointment said they like to wait until the 20 week mark because the physical development is best by then. So I have to wait a whole month. But I keep thinking that by Halloween we'll know whether our pumpkin is a boy pumpkin or a girl pumpkin. Unfortunately it will be 2 weeks after my Mom's visit, so she won't be here for it.

My oh my, the cat's going to be out of the bag! I still haven't decided how (or when) to let my boss/co-workers know.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Our Story - via Comic Book

I am ready to send copies of my comic book to my Mom and to my Dad and his wife. They will get the first two copies. I'm holding off sending copies to my siblings until I'm sure my parents have received their copies. Otherwise, I know my older sister will immediately call our Dad and blurt out, "Daddy, Daddy, can you believe BWUB is pregnant?!" and he won't yet have any clue.

Disaster averted.

So I'm attaching some photos of it below. It's pretty long, so this is just to give you an idea of how it turned out. And obviously most of you know the story pretty well!

I have no idea if you'll be able to read the text in the photos below, but if you double click on a picture, it should open a larger version if you want to try to actually read it.

So here we go!


donor parents, as I imagine them

donor parents visit the clinic and pour over possible egg and sperm donors

image close up

after choosing egg and sperm donors, the goods are mixed!

wife gets her transfer and remaining embies are frozen

they have their babies and 5 years later begin to think about the embies

BWUB and Mr. BWUB enter the picture (I always draw myself with curly hair)

after getting matched with our embryos and taking the meds, its time to go to the clinic for my transfer

our puppies stay at the pet hotel

after a 2ww, we get some good news!

close up

my first u/s

waiting, worrying, working and going for u/s's

we're ready to tell our secret!

more u/s pictures

a thank you to our donor parents for giving us the gift of a lifetime

the end (sort of), which needs to be modified to say 5 1/2 months

I hope you enjoyed it!

Monday, September 21, 2009


Soooooo, I took your advice and decided to shopping to buy some maternity pants last Saturday.

I'm still trying to pinch pennies and thought it would be best to avoid the "real" maternity stores. I was certain they'd be pretty expensive. I opted to go to Penneys.

A couple of years ago when I was pregnant with my second pregnancy (that subsequently ended in miscarriage) I was shopping at Penneys for work clothes. One of the dressing rooms is right next to the maternity section. I remember standing in line, waiting for a dressing room, and bashfully eyeing the large letters on the wall that spelled "Maternity." I thought "It won't be too much longer and I'll be shopping in that section."

Well, it wasn't to be. And the next time I waited in line at that dressing room a few months later, I completely avoided eye contact with the large "Maternity" sign on the wall. I despised it and refused to look in its direction. It was as though the letters mocked me.

That was 2 years ago. Now here I was, on Saturday, aiming directly for that section. I was definitely excited. But my excitement turned to disappointment when I finally got there and realized the entire maternity section at Penneys consisted of approximately 4 small racks. All of their yoga pants, jeans, dress pants and capris is this tiny section. I tried on several pairs, but only ended up with one pair that worked. It was a disappointment.

I headed into the main mall and thought that there might be a maternity store in the mall. Well, I was here, I might as well go check. Besides, all stores have sales from time to time. Maybe I'd get lucky.

I found the Motherhood store. And indeed there was a sale. I also had a really nice young woman clerk help me. She pulled several pairs of pants and jeans for me to try and showed me to a dressing room. I pulled the curtain behind me, set down my purse and noticed that there were small pillows with velcro straps on either side. A pillow to strap around you to to simulate a larger pregnant belly. I picked it up, wrapped it around me, and pulled my shirt down over it.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

Yup, I lost it. Just for a minute I had to quietly cry with my face in my hands. Thank you, God, for this pregnancy. I might actually have a real tummy full of baby a few months from now. And I don't deserve it anymore than any of my blogger friends still awaiting their turn.

Well, the pants were a success! A black twill pair, a gray twill pair and nice pair of jeans. Plus a brown pair from Penneys. Ahhhhh, my little belly pooch was so happy. The twill pants were no more expensive than what they had at Penneys, and the jeans, at $40, were a little more expensive, but they're pretty nice looking jeans.

I wore the brown pair to work today. Thank you everyone who suggested I finally break down and do it. So much more comfortable!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Moment of Gratitude

I have so much to reflect upon and be grateful for today.

(1) I am officially in the second trimester of my pregnancy. So far, so good. Hang with me, little one.

(2) Since our argument last weekend, my DH has been going out of his way to be kind and attentive and to take care things around here. Run and empty the dishwasher, carry in the new big bottle of laundry detergent, taking the dogs out at night, asking if I need anything from the kitchen while he's's been nice.

(3) I am finished with the blasted progesterone capsules up the hoo hoo every six hours. They weren't the worst thing in life, but I was pretty sick of them by the end.

(4) I got an extra U/S (due to my unabashed pleading) on Friday, with a great new picture of my little gem.

(5) I also got my flu shot on Friday at the OB's office. The nurse who gave it to me commented that she hoped they'd be getting more preservative free doses (for the preggies) soon. I got the second-to-last dose they had. Lucky, or what?

(6) My health insurance contact called me on Friday to tell me that the issue of my having paid non-contracted rates out of pocket to the Outpatient Monitoring Clinic has been researched and the clinic has been directed by the insurance company to submit all claims for all visits I had with them because my U/S's and blood work were covered services! They further informed the clinic that once the explanation of benefits is issued (by the insurance company, telling me what I should have paid), the clinic will be expected to issue me a refund! My rough estimate (and surely my math could be wrong) is that they might owe me as much as $1,700!

Of course there are always problems to be handled and crap to deal with, but even so, I am so, so grateful for all that is good.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Booted Off the Gravy Train

Silly me. I was just ridin' that gravy train. Thinking that for the rest of my pregnancy I could just order up U/S's at 2 week intervals like a side of hash browns.

Hey, BWUB, wake're dreaming.

My DH went with me to my OB appointment this morning. The gal took us back, weighed me (mhm, gained 2 pounds since last month), and led us to the room. I sat on the exam table and she took my blood pressure, then gave me some paperwork.

"This is for your 2nd trimester screening." Ok.

"This is for your 18 to 20 week U/S scan. You'll get that done by the perinatologist and I'll call the referral today."

18-20 week U/S? My head whirls around and I look to the right and then to the left. There is no U/S machine in this room!! No U/S?!

She said I would just be getting a doppler heart rate today. No U/S. Next U/S is at 18-20 weeks when they can check gender.

But wait! I want an U/S!

I'd have to ask the doctor.

Sweet, kind, young, Dr. Green (nickname since he's so new) came in. Remember, he had me hold the internal U/S wand in my hoo hoo so he could shut off the light switch across the room? Anyway, he came in and I blurted out that I wanted an U/S because, after all, I've now stopped the Delestrogen and the Progesterone and it's all me now and I need to see the baby to know it's alive and okay andpleaseohpleaseohplease.

He opened the door and said, "Ok, let's go." He shot down the hall, us in tow, to a room with U/S machines. No questions, no anything...he just did the abdominal U/S.

Thank you, Dr. Green.

Baby was not lying on its back in the hammock today. So we didn't get a nice profile shot. Today baby was lying on its side, looking straight at us, or with its back to us...depending on how you look at it. Facial shots are kind of spooky b/c the U/S only captures the bone, so you're looking at a skeleton with dark holes for eyes.

Instead, Dr. Green took this cool spinal shot. I can see windows through the skull showing bits of brain. The whole beautiful spinal column. Tiny butt cheeks. Curved shoulders.

And of course Baby dutifully wiggled and waved and moved about for us.

Sigh. Baby is okay.

But I think I've been booted off the gravy train. No more U/S's every 2 weeks. Fortunately the 18-20 week one will be during the time my Mom is here, so hopefully I can get an appointment one day during her visit.

The gravy train was a nice ride while it lasted.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Feeling the Pinch

13w5d u/s is Friday morning at 10:30. I just keep hoping the baby is still alive. I sneezed hard the other day and felt this stab in my left abdomen. What the heck was that? Did I hurt the baby? I've had some weird pinches and twinges. What's going on in there?! I kid you not, the worry continues to loom, although not as pervasively as it used to.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a quick story.

I have a small office at work. My desk is only about 5 feet inside the door and faces the office door. Sitting behind the desk, I too face the door, but it's a nice big desk so it hides me from about the ribs down. I've told you that sometimes (more so lately) I unbutton my pants while I sit behind my desk.

Today was "denim day." For some unknown reason (cookies, ice cream, chocolate and other sweet things that satisfy my sweet tooth) my thighs and butt have expanded and I barely fit into my jeans anymore. I hooked a rubber band through the button hole and looped it around the button. That way I could have the zipper down a little and the pants unbuttoned. The rubber band keeps everything close to your body so if you have a long shirt on, you can't really tell the pants aren't buttoned.

Anyway, I was sitting there and even with the stretched rubber band, my belly felt uncomfortable. So I put my thumb down there and pulled the waist band of the pants out and away from my skin. Ahhhh, it felt so good. Using my other hand, I pulled my shirt down so it was over my pants-pulling hand and - presto - everything should look normal to someone walking by my door.

I was sitting there with my thumb holding my pants away from me when suddenly my boss appeared in the doorway with a young woman. "BWUB, I want you to meet So-and-So, the new attorney we hired." The woman leaned toward me and stretched out her hand for me to shake.

Yikes! I had to fish my thumb out from my pants and get my shirt pulled back down straight over the unbuttoned-but-held-together-by-a-rubber-band gap, and then jump up and shake her hand. I think I got away with it. But the adrenalin was pumping.

I hate that I don't really have enough belly for maternity clothes but I've gained enough weight in my booty and thighs that the largest size jeans I have in my closet are squeezing me.

Stupid cookies.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Crossing Bridges

So now my husband is really making an effort to do what he thinks I want. It's actually kind of cute. He'll be going about his business and then all of a sudden it's as though I can see the light bulb go on...oh!...he realizes...and comes over to me, eyes all bright and shiny, using a voice other than his usual voice (now speaking more softly and sing-songy) and he'll say, "Hi Sweetie. How are you doing today? How's the baby? Are you feeling all right? Later I'll give you a nice foot rub." And then he'll hug me and kiss me.

So, he really did take the conversation to heart.

It's not exactly that I wanted to be crooned over, but it's a start and it's an "A" for effort.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to get to Friday so I can have my U/S. Make sure things are okay.

My Mom is coming to visit in the middle of October for 4 days. She currently lives in Arizona and is planning to retire soon. Once she retires, she wants to start thinking about selling her house and moving here. So the reason for her trip is to look at houses/condos where she might possibly live. She doesn't know yet about the pregnancy, but she will before she gets here. I thought she'd really appreciate going with me to an U/S appointment, so I'm going to schedule one for that time. I also thought we could do a little maternity clothes shopping together. I think she'll be overjoyed to get to share in these experiences.

I'm actually looking forward to getting the phone calls from my family after I send out the comic book. They're going to be so surprised! I Mom, my Dad and my sisters will be really excited for us.

My DH's family on the other hand....I'm dreading having to deal with them.

You know my DH's mom is the Great Inquisitor. She asks a million and one questions every time we visit. So I said to my DH the other day (after his mother called and asked him a million questions in an hour), "You know, the whole point of this comic book is to answer all the questions. Your mother better not ask me a million questions about it. Everything I want people to know is in the book."

I waited and looked at him.

He just said, "It's going to open a can of worms with her."

Translation: Of course she's going to ask a million questions.

He asked, "Won't your family ask questions?" Well the truth is of course they will ask a few questions, but I really think that mostly they will just exclaim their joy. They're just not the kind of people to ask lots of personal questions or need to know every detail.

Argh. Would it be rude to tell my husband I've decided not to send the book to any of his family? Yeah, probably. I guess I'll just tell him to refer all questions to me and then I'll have a standardized answer something like, "I'm really not comfortable discussing that." I just don't feel the need to get really personal with her. We're not cozy, loving, intimate family and I just don't feel like sharing every detail.

That bridge isn't here yet, but I can see it on the horizon. First, though, I need to cross Friday's bridge and hope for a good U/S.

Monday, September 14, 2009

It's a New Week

Thank you, everyone, for your concern and support.

We hashed it out and made up.

I guess the crux of it all is just that I feel like I take care of so many things, I'm invested in every facet of our family and our lives and would like to see (1) some appreciation, (2) some initiative to pitch in and do things without being asked, and (3) some attentiveness, nurturing and real interest in aspects of our life together other than his own hobbies.

Hash Part 1 did not go so well. He got both defensive and offensive. Things are not his fault. They're my fault. I bolted out of here and went shopping (I only spent $15 so I didn't go nuts). When I came home 2 hours later he was soft and sweet and apologetic and said he'd try harder. He had even taken out the folder given to me at my first OB appointment (which, during hash part 1 I commented that he hadn't even bothered to look at) and he talked about all the different classes I and we could take.

Anyway, things are better in the BWUB household.

On other fronts, I'm pleased to say that I finished the comic/story book. Now in full color, it looks pretty cool. We took it to a copy shop and made one full set to see how well the colors copied. Not bad. Now we're just waiting for this Friday's U/S before we spend the cash to make about 13 full color copies. I still have "Gee, I hope the baby is still alive" thoughts. Plus we want to add Friday's U/S pic to the book. I'll post some of the cartoon frames soon.

I hope you have a wonderful week.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Shake it Off

Today started like a big bowl of crappola for me. It is the anniversary of two sad events, plus I'm all wound up at my spouse.

If you really want to read about it, it's the previous post. But I hate feeling sorry for myself for more than a split second and I wanted to delete the post. Fran thought I should keep it up. Okay, maybe. We'll see.

But it's time to move on and focus on happier things. Super happy things. Super-dee-duper-fantastically-wonderful happy things.

Cindy should have had her transfer this morning! Two sweet embryos should be settling in and making their way to implantation! Oh, Cindy, I'm so hopeful that you will get a strong BFP in 2 weeks. I hope all went well (didn't see a post on your blog yet) and I just want you to know I rose from my wallowing this morning to think happy thoughts for you.

I hope that one day, September 11th can come to mean happier things for us all.

Bad Day

Lest anyone think my life is all sunshine and lollipops, let me assure you, it's not.

Today is not a good day.

First, it's 9/11, and we all know the import of that. I went to ground zero in 2002 and was overcome with emotion seeing the giant, city block-sized hole in the ground. There simply are no words concerning that horror.

It's also the anniversary of a friend's death. She was young, beautiful, the mom of a one-year old boy and in nursing school. It all ended the morning that her ex-boyfriend, the baby's father, beat and suffocated her to death. At her service, she looked like a shattered doll that someone tried to glue back together without much success. It's hard to hide dark bruises and a swollen face with make up. I still remember you, Jess.

Third, I hope it's just hormones making me overreact, but I'm really REALLY upset with my spouse right now. No "dear" in his name today. He did something Tuesday night that put me into a tailspin. Actually, it's just a single highlight in a pattern of behavior. And we haven't had an opportunity to hash it all out yet. It needs to be hashed.

You know how one little event, mildly upsetting in and of itself, can trigger thoughts and worries of a much grander scale? It takes you down a whole other path. That's what happened.

So now I'm sitting here thinking, "WTF? Is this guy going to buck up and be the husband and father that both I and this baby NEED him to be, or what? Or is he going to continue to live his life selfishly and putting his own needs/wants first, to the detriment of his family?" Fucq that because I refuse to play that game or enable that behavior for the next 30 years. Weak, dependent, needy woman I am not.


Sorry to be such a downer today. And I can't bear to have this post hang around forever. I'm going to delete it later. I just needed to get it a good, long scream.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Of Things to Come

I have been diligently working on the story book/comic book by which we will finally reveal our pregnancy to family and close friends. It's been a fun project, so I've found that as I draw, write, erase and draw some more, the hours are flying by.

The framework is finished. I have 21 half-sheet pages of text/cartoon, plus copies of our ultrasounds inserted in the appropriate places. Now all I need to do is finalize the detail in some of the drawings, colorize and wait to add the ultrasound from my upcoming September 18 appointment. Then we'll make several copies and put them in the mail.

I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out.

Here's a preview of a couple of the (unfinished) cartoon frames (not in sequence):

I hope you can make out the images, they're just sketched in pencil right now so they're not very dark.

My DH and I may not yet agree on a name, but one important thing we agree on is being open about use of donated embryos. We want this fact to be part of our child's knowledge, memory and sense of who he is. Without shame, without excuse, without secrets. I feel like we've been blessed with a miracle. Why should I try to pretend it is something it's not?

Of course this doesn't mean I'm planning to tell the story to the grocery clerk or the TV repairman. But our child, our friends and our family will know the truth from the get-go.

Part of the reason my husband feels so strongly about full disclosure is because he did not learn until he was 10 years old that his oldest brother is actually his half brother. His mother had a first marriage (which my DH knew), from which his brother was born (which my DH did not know). His mom then married my DH's dad and had the remaining 3 kids.

When my DH learned the truth, he was devastated. Not because his brother was not his "real" brother, but because he felt lied to, cheated, not trusted to know the truth. He has carried a shred of resentment about that his whole life.

So he is firm (and I agree) that our child will learn all about who he is and where he came from. First in simple, global terms. Later in more detail. But it will never be a shock.

My sil, Wacky P's two kids are both from sperm donors. The kids, now ages 10 and 5 (or 6) have no idea. She never wants them to know the truth. She wants them to believe that her husband (the only dad they've known) is their genetic father. But you know what happens with secrets. They eventually get out. Someone blabs. Someone slips. Someone forgets. And then what? Imagine how those kids will feel if they learn the truth at age 15 or 20?

Just something to consider.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

U/S, Info and a Plan

I loved your comments to my last post about baby names. Glad to hear it's not just me! So I'll divulge a little more. My DH seems bent on either naming the baby after his own family nationality (Dutch) or after his heroes. Thus, I'm getting "Henrick" "Kleef" "Eugenius" "Steve McQueen" and "Jim Rockford" tossed my way.

Uh, that would be a no x 5.

In more happy news, yesterday was my final Delestrogen shot! Yay. My DH said he'll miss giving them to me. Yeah, buddy, thanks. Next week I'll finish up with the progesterone and then the baby aspirin.

Of course this all presumed the baby was still alive in there. I often still have doubts.

Today I had an NT scan. That's the test where they measure the width or thickness of fluid in the back of the baby's neck. A measurement greater than a certain number is a possible indicator of Down's Syndrome or trisomy 18. They use the number in combination with some other blood work results to give you an "odds" determination. I know my egg donor was only 21, but I'm a fact and information glutton. Must know.

My DH met me at the doctor's office. He hasn't seen an U/S in about a month, so I think he was excited to see the progress. I was first dumbfounded then thrilled with the tech told me to lie down on the table (don't I need to remove some clothing first?) and just unzip my pants. My first abdominal ultrasound!

No, my husband didn't stand or sit next to me, holding and squeezing my hand. He was standing toward the foot of the table, gazing intently at the big screen on the opposite wall. Watching the baby.

The tech was proficient and described everything. There's the heartbeat (159!). There's a hand. There's a foot. There's the other foot. That's the stomach. There's the heart (could even see chambers and blood flow!). There's the bladder. There's the brain. That's where the umbilical cord attaches to the placenta. She made the measurements and gave us a strip of 12 pictures when we were done!

Okay, the funniest thing was that the baby...well, it seems he is a break dancer. Or a popper or hopper or whatever they call them (I'm so out of touch). Lying flat on its back, it literally lifted upward, arched its back, and plopped back down. Twice.

Yes, I cried for a minute when the baby lifted its hand to its mouth. And what long legs! It even has a nose. Can you imagine?! A nose! Okay, every little thing is a miracle to me.

Here are the two best shots (in the second photo, the baby is not blowing a bubble, that's its hand!):

Based on the current risk assessment, as compared with the risk of miscarriage from CVS testing, I think we're just going to wait and do the second trimester blood test screening and go from there. I just have a gut feeling that things are fine and I see no reason to go digging around in there right now.

I also thought of a way to tell our news to close friends and family. I want to start on the project this weekend. My plan is to draw a little comic book. It will start with the donor parents who wanted a baby. How they went through IVF, successfully. How they wanted to help another infertile couple. How we were the lucky recipients. I'll cover the tests, the meds, the transfer, the wait. The BFP! And it will end with pictures of our u/s's. I figure this way, many of the questions will be answered and everyone will get a big picture of how it all worked. Once I get it done, I'll post some of the pictures that I draw for it.