Did I ever mention how much I love you guys? Your comments mean so much to me and make such a difference in how I am able to face the day.
I don't know if I ever told you, but I have two sisters. One older and one younger. We live in three different states, in three different time zones. Growing up we fought and argued more than anything else. Now we're just sort of...distant. Cordial and formal.
Whenever I saw a TV show or movie showing sisters who were close, who shared secrets and giggles and clothes and were each other's best friends, I thought that would be so cool. To become adults who have fun at the holidays cooking in the kitchen together, visiting each other regularly and confiding problems, hopes and joys. It's something I never had.
And now I feel like I have a huge family of sisters. You all. It's such an amazing feeling and I know I am lucky to have found you (or, in some cases, to have had you find me).
So, la la la, I am just going along, happy with your reassurances. Happy that the Clinic hasn't called me to urgently modify some medication. And yes, you know what, I might just have toast with honey this morning! So strange because just yesterday I asked my DH, "Remember when I used to eat toast with honey for breakfast every morning?" No, of course he didn't remember. I love how the honey melts into the toast. I love how it's sweet and sticky. And honey is a superfood, in case you didn't know.
But I digress.
I have an U/S later this afternoon. The past couple of days I have felt different. Less nausea. Less bloat. Thinking, hm, maybe things have run off the track here. Then again, there is no reason things shouldn't be fine. Back and forth, back and forth.
So I've forced myself to imagine the scenario that I go for the U/S and there is no longer a heart beat. What will it look like? How will the words sound? What will it feel like to drive home afterward, knowing the pregnancy is a bust? I mean, I just have to put myself through the paces. Just in case. It's strangely reassuring because if there is bad news, it won't be a shock. I'll have already seen it, heard it, felt it.
How strange that we learn to buffer our hearts by piercing them ourselves.
Of course, I also know that the news could be good. The quiet, intellectual me is holding onto that thought, but keeping it tucked away so that the emotional me can't grab it and run down the street naked with it, cackling like a maniac.
Mad Hatter asked whether I plan to put a pregnancy widget on my sidebar. The answer is I'm really not comfortable doing it. Partly because I am not confident enough that the pregnancy is here to stay. It seems the widget could tempt fate to yank away what I have. Other reasons too. Maybe some later time. But I can't say for sure.
For now the insanity in my head is eerily quiet. The U/S is 4 hours away yet. And honey and toast awaits me.
4 months ago