Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Keeping the Loose Screws Tightened

Did I ever mention how much I love you guys? Your comments mean so much to me and make such a difference in how I am able to face the day.

I don't know if I ever told you, but I have two sisters. One older and one younger. We live in three different states, in three different time zones. Growing up we fought and argued more than anything else. Now we're just sort of...distant. Cordial and formal.

Whenever I saw a TV show or movie showing sisters who were close, who shared secrets and giggles and clothes and were each other's best friends, I thought that would be so cool. To become adults who have fun at the holidays cooking in the kitchen together, visiting each other regularly and confiding problems, hopes and joys. It's something I never had.

And now I feel like I have a huge family of sisters. You all. It's such an amazing feeling and I know I am lucky to have found you (or, in some cases, to have had you find me).

So, la la la, I am just going along, happy with your reassurances. Happy that the Clinic hasn't called me to urgently modify some medication. And yes, you know what, I might just have toast with honey this morning! So strange because just yesterday I asked my DH, "Remember when I used to eat toast with honey for breakfast every morning?" No, of course he didn't remember. I love how the honey melts into the toast. I love how it's sweet and sticky. And honey is a superfood, in case you didn't know.

But I digress.

I have an U/S later this afternoon. The past couple of days I have felt different. Less nausea. Less bloat. Thinking, hm, maybe things have run off the track here. Then again, there is no reason things shouldn't be fine. Back and forth, back and forth.

So I've forced myself to imagine the scenario that I go for the U/S and there is no longer a heart beat. What will it look like? How will the words sound? What will it feel like to drive home afterward, knowing the pregnancy is a bust? I mean, I just have to put myself through the paces. Just in case. It's strangely reassuring because if there is bad news, it won't be a shock. I'll have already seen it, heard it, felt it.

How strange that we learn to buffer our hearts by piercing them ourselves.

Of course, I also know that the news could be good. The quiet, intellectual me is holding onto that thought, but keeping it tucked away so that the emotional me can't grab it and run down the street naked with it, cackling like a maniac.

Mad Hatter asked whether I plan to put a pregnancy widget on my sidebar. The answer is I'm really not comfortable doing it. Partly because I am not confident enough that the pregnancy is here to stay. It seems the widget could tempt fate to yank away what I have. Other reasons too. Maybe some later time. But I can't say for sure.

For now the insanity in my head is eerily quiet. The U/S is 4 hours away yet. And honey and toast awaits me.


stillhopeful said...

GOOD LUCK TODAY!! I know this is a big one for you. I'm realy rooting for you!

IVF 40+ said...

Ditto - best of luck! Waiting here to hear!

Anonymous said...

flicker, flicker, flicker.....heres to some pretty little flickers this afternoon.

cindyhoo2 said...

I am in an earlier time zone and the wait for news is killing me! I have checked you blog sooooooo many times today hoping that you had a super early AM u/s. All of us cyber sisters are on the edge of our seats for this one with you. I really do think that you will have a super-ordinary u/s but I can see how the past has made this particular milestone important to you.

Isn't it amazing how people you would not recognize on the street can become so present in our emotional lives? I love that!

Btw: I hope you are not eating regular old store-bought honey. If you are, send me your address and I will send you TN made wildflower honey.... So good you might cry.

Lucky Jones said...

I am thinking about you today :) I know you will see the flicker of the little heartbeat :)

I should send you some flavored honey straws.... Yummy!!

tireegal68 said...

another of your sisters rooting for you with all my might and hoping for a good result today.Waiting for the good news. Will be back later. Mmm,cindy, that honey sounds really good!!!

Fran said...

oh my god, my eyes are soo tired, but i just have to check on you my'll be ok i just know it. love, fran

ps:typing from the touch screen phone...not that good at it

Alex P said...

maybe youre just learning to a) anticipate your nausea/bloating b) deal with it or prevent it with lil meals and stuff... c)I thought that pregnancy illness was often all over the board... maybe youre just being given the grace to get some stuff done with your stomach intact... its just a blessing?

Hope all the stuff is still amazing, so excited to hear whats going on!

just me, dawn said...

I have those same imaginary situations, and sometimes I think they help and sometimes not....but I can't help imagining them.
I can't wait to hear your good news....I know it will be good. ((hugs))

Riley said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed waiting for your update. I hope you got the great news you deserved at today's u/s. I know what you mean about not being close to your sisters. I have one older sister who only lives 30 minutes away. We do keep in touch but we'll never be the close sisters who love spending time together and sharing secrets that we dream of. It is so nice having this community of sisters to help us get through all this. Good luck today!

K said...

Amen "sista". :)
BTW, what's the update? You must be done with the u/s now...

embieadoptmom said...

Well darn, I eat toast with honey ALL THE TIME! You have nothing to worry about my dear! HUGS from a sista!

Anonymous said...

I can completely relate to your feelings about blog friends being like the sister we always wished we had. My sister and I are not close and while we were able to get along when we were in high school and college, our relationship has really been on the slide lately. It's so wonderful to have women who understand where you're coming from and support you like you really are family.

I can also relate to imagining a bad outcome. I don't intentionally do it, but I know just before every u/s, I imagine going straight home in shock and in tears, sending my boss an e-mail explaining what happened, and telling all of my real life support group girls about it. Right you are, that this is how we prepare ourselves for terrible news that we hope we don't ever get.

I'm so relieved that all was well and that your imagery turned out to be only that.