My Guilt, My Mother

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Welcome new follower!

I have a love/annoyance/guilt relationship with my mother.

I love her and can't imagine the world without her, but sometimes....I struggle to like her. Certainly I don't claim to be perfect. I admit I am a work in progress. But my flaws and my Mom's flaws don't really mesh. Hers seem to rub me the wrong way. I get annoyed by her. I get defensive. Then I feel guilty for it.

We live in different states, so mostly we just talk on the phone. She does most of the talking and doesn't ask many questions about me or my life. So I haven't had to lie about this cycle. The topic never comes up.

For years she has been buying baby clothes. Baby girl clothes. My nephew - her only grandchild - is now 21 years old. When he was born, she called to tell me the news of his birth. She told me it was a boy, then she quickly said, "Act happy though, don't tell your sister I am disappointed."

She used to frequently ask me, "Where's my graaaaaandaughter?" That was her hint. She is saving the baby girl clothes in hopes of a future granddaughter.

When it happened 2 years ago, I told her about my first miscarriage. I told her about the u/s and the degrading sac. I spilled my emotions and fears. Her response: "Well I don't know why you would have any problem getting pregnant....nobody in our family ever had a problem getting pregnant." Of course nobody was 40+ at the time either.

After that, I dipped my toe in the IF treatment waters with her and told her when we first went to an IF clinic. I told her we were thinking about using donor eggs. She asked, "Do they have curly redheaded donors?" I am the sole redhead in my family. My Mom really wants a granddaughter, and she wants it to be a redhead.

When we decided to go with embryo donation, I did not tell her. When we flew to the Clinic and received the physical and medical descriptions of the donors, I did not tell her. When we go back to the Clinic for the transfer and the subsequent 3 days of bedrest in a nearby hotel, I plan to tell her we are taking a short vacation.

Is this wrong? Should I tell her? I'm really struggling and feeling guilty about it. If we get lucky (REALLY lucky) and this works out, chances are the baby won't be a redhead. And (gasp) it might even be a boy.

How awful that I may be depending on the failure of this FET as a reason not to tell her? If it fails, then not telling her won't have mattered. We just move on and she'll never know the difference. I won't have to deal with the comments.

Maybe if I tell her, she'll surprise me and just be happy for us. And maybe (more likely) she'll hedge that happiness by saying, "Well [sigh] I guess it won't be a redhead. Can you choose the sex?" Or she'll find something to say that will leave me feeling deflated.

Thinking back over things she has said to me throughout my life, I realize her words make me feel bad and defensive. Even so, I don't think she means to be hurtful, she's just not sensitive to the feelings of others. She simply has her idea of how things "should" be.

Maybe it's our job to just love the people in our lives and accept them as they are. Maybe it's my own flaw that I can't seem to do that. Maybe my hurt feelings and defensiveness is because of me....not her. I'm not sure. I am so envious of people who have wonderful, close relationships with their Mom.

So as our transfer date nears, and with each telephone conversation I have with my Mom, I keep wondering whether I should tell her and just deal with whatever she has to say.
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