I appreciate the thoughtful input about whether I should tell my Mom about this cycle and our use of donated embies. You all make such good points. I'm still not sure what I will do, but I guess the worst thing I can do is stress myself out over it.
It's May. Hopefully when this month comes to a close, I will have little embryos inside me, making themselves happily at home. That's what I need to focus on. That, and making sure I enjoy the time leading up to that day. I don't want to waste these precious days because if all goes well, I want to look back and cherish the time that led up to our happy BFP. Each day of our journey is an opportunity to create a memory. I want to remember the happy anticipation of it all.
Last night I had a dream that I was driving in a line of cars on a long road out in the middle of the country. The road was messy with water, as though a storm had just passed through. I decided to speed up and pass another car on the right. There was a huge, deep puddle in my path of travel. I saw the puddle and thought I could make it through if I just held fast to the steering wheel. When I hit the puddle, I lost control and started spinning out and twirling around, actually off the road and up the side of a steep hill (weird, but it's a dream....just go with with it).
When I stopped at the top of the hill, I was no longer in a car, but standing there. The hill was covered with snow and mud. I had to get down the hill and I considered hiking down through the mess. Instead, I grabbed some kind of plastic sheet (which just happened to appear), sat down on it, laid back, stretched my arms out to the sides, and went down the hill like a kid on a sled.
The people on the road below (now standing there without cars) all looked up at me and smiled and laughed and thought it was great that I had chosen to slide down the hill. I wasn't worried about getting muddy or wet. I wasn't worried about crashing. I wanted to enjoy the ride. I had an opportunity to enjoy the ride, and I took it. It felt great!
When I got to the bottom of the hill, I realized how much fun that ride had been, and I was glad I had hit the puddle, spun out and ended up at the top of the hill.
I'm not sure what it all means, if anything, but I know that I have to get through these next weeks. I could spend it worrying. Or, I can seize the opportunity to lean back, stretch out my arms, close my eyes, and enjoy the rush of the ride. To allow my hopes and dreams for this cycle to be the wind in my face and the stomach-lilting rush of excitement.
I know it could be messy. I could crash and burn.
But I choose to enjoy the ride.
4 months ago