Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Surviving the In-Laws and Inspired Conversation

Well, the in-law visits are over....at least for now. My FIL is another character all together (The Great Pontificator), but he also lives out of town, which is fortunate for me. My poor DH. These are his own family members and after spending about 2 hours with these people, he begins to look....constipated. Uncomfortable and ready to get the hell away from them. I can't imagine the questions and "you shoulds" that will come out of their mouths if I actually get pregnant and have a baby, but I think I will just develop an attitude of "sorry, that's personal and I'm not comfortable discussing that" or "We have our own ideas about that, which I'd prefer not to discuss." Survival. It's all about survival!

If all stays on track, then a week from tomorrow we will be piling into the car and heading to the city where our Clinic is. The following day will be our FET. The idea that we could actually get pregnant with a viable pregnancy inspired us to have a serious talk about being parents.

My DH and I talked about what kind of parents we would want to be. What we feel is important to being a good parent and what kind of experience we want the child to have. We talked about how we want our child(ren) to grow up and feel about themselves, and how to make that happen. To me, having fun and feeling joyful are integral to a happy childhood. To my DH, not feeling like a burden to your parents and feeling like your parents are happy to make time for you is integral.

Our attitudes about parenting are tied tightly to our own childhood experiences and the things our own parents did. Both good and bad. We remember the mistakes our parents made and avoiding those mistakes rank high on our own respective agendas. The good things they did, or some variation thereof, are things we want to be sure to include. We also talked about our respective weaknesses, and components of our personalities that we worry about.

It was really fun to have that conversation. I already knew in my heart that my DH will be a good Dad, but it was a good experience for us to delve a little more deeply into particular issues and feelings. Things like our own childhood traumas, the hopes we have for our children, and the dreams we have for our life as a family.

Even if I don't get pregnant, or if the pregnancy doesn't work out (I need to keep reminding myself of this to avoid being too crushed...you know?)...well, I'm still glad my DH and I had that conversation. If nothing else, it taught us a little more about each other and fostered some emotional growth between us. That's a good thing, no matter what.


looking4#3 said...

One of the BEST pieces of advice I got, came from my pediatrician. He said, "Blame it all on me....parents, grandparents, aunts etc are all going to give you advice--do this, don't do that---when in doubt, blame it on me!!!" That works wonders. When my monster in law gives assvice (which is ALL the time), I simply smile and say, "Oh, my pediatrician said to never do it that way---do it this way!!!" I am taken out of the equation and it shuts her up to boot!!!
So glad it was a great conversation with your hubby!!! It is amazing how this IF crap is horrible, gutwrenching and torture sometimes---but amazing how close two people can become because of it!!
Thanks for your good luck wishes!

Sandra D. said...

The fact that you guys had this talk means you're both going to be fantastic parents! I thought this was a really cute post - and I'm crossing all my fingers and toes for you :-)

Anonymous said...

I love your nicknames for all the crazy people in your family! Very clever. Sorry they must be endured.

I can't believe how close your transfer is! This is really thrilling news. And there is no way to protect yourself from being crushed if things don't work out - so my a$$vice is to live it up and revel in being pg every day you are. The chances are excellent that this will work for you. Good luck!

stillhopeful said...

I think that the in-depth conversations with DH are the best thing that comes out of this whole, miserable infertility situation (with the exception, of course, for when we succeed!!). At least it makes us think about being parents and talk about our philosophies and what's important to us. I don't think that happens for a lot of people when having children comes easy to them. They're sometimes not aware of how precious a gift it is.