Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A New Day

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Thank you so much everybody for your kind words. I feel like I met my girlfriends (you) at an outdoor cafe and you all just listened and patted me on the back and helped me through the day. You guys are great.

If all had gone according to plan, we'd be in the car right now, 3 hours into an 8 hour drive to the Clinic. I'm still glad we made the decision we did, but it's funny how you can second guess each tine at each fork in the road. If we had gone through with the transfer and we didn't get pregnant, I would have blamed the estradiol. Now that we cancelled the transfer, I can't help but wonder whether my estradiol was fine despite the wonky lab results and whether we would have had a successful pregnancy if we had proceeded.

All the "what ifs" for which there are no answers.

To help buffer any looming disappointment about the cancelled cycle, I indulged last night and drank 2 glasses of wine. This morning I had 2 cups of coffee and painted my nails fuchsia pink. I'm going to exercise today and figure out what to think about other than Delestrogen shots and progesterone suppositories.

I think that having to shift mental gears is the hard part. Letting go of a plan-in-progress and suddenly finding yourself standing there not thinking about anything at all. Realizing you had been all-consumed with thoughts of that plan. Remembering that there is life outside of that plan and then trying to get back into the swing of that life.

As I sit here pondering these things, I realize that these next 6 weeks will give me time to focus on my garden (my plants are still alive!), go back to my book that I started writing earlier this year and haven't touched in over a month, have lunch with friends, maybe paint a canvas, exercise, lustily enjoy a few mojitos on Friday afternoons (my favorite summertime alcoholic beverage) and BBQ a steak or two. Holy crap, I have a life outside of clinics and ultrasounds and lab results and medications!

Then, hopefully just a few weeks from now, I will feel more confident and knowledgeable about the FET process and what we are doing when the next cycle begins.

It's a plan. It's just a different plan.
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4 comments:

Lucky Jones said...

Take time to relax a bit... I know it's hard to postpone (I was supposed to have IVF last year), but the more perfect it all is the better you will feel :)

looking4#3 said...

What an absolutely amazing woman!!!! Fantastic attitude!!! You are going to make a GREAT Mom. NO DOUBTS!!! Your time will come. I completely commend you. You are living proof of "getting lemons, making lemonade (maybe with some shots of alcohol right now!!!)
I am sure 6 weeks will bring amazing things!!!

tireegal68 said...

beautiful post. I totally agree - it's so weird to have a plan and be so focused on it and then the plan is gone and you look around and there is a whole world out there that you forgot about that you can engage in!
I hope you enjoy the next six weeks of fun and rejuvination and that next time all the numbers line up!
take care:)

IVF 40+ said...

sounds like a lovely plan to me. and statistically more IVF pregnancies happen in the warmer months. Just so you know :-)
EB