Thank you so much everybody for your kind words. I feel like I met my girlfriends (you) at an outdoor cafe and you all just listened and patted me on the back and helped me through the day. You guys are great.
If all had gone according to plan, we'd be in the car right now, 3 hours into an 8 hour drive to the Clinic. I'm still glad we made the decision we did, but it's funny how you can second guess each tine at each fork in the road. If we had gone through with the transfer and we didn't get pregnant, I would have blamed the estradiol. Now that we cancelled the transfer, I can't help but wonder whether my estradiol was fine despite the wonky lab results and whether we would have had a successful pregnancy if we had proceeded.
All the "what ifs" for which there are no answers.
To help buffer any looming disappointment about the cancelled cycle, I indulged last night and drank 2 glasses of wine. This morning I had 2 cups of coffee and painted my nails fuchsia pink. I'm going to exercise today and figure out what to think about other than Delestrogen shots and progesterone suppositories.
I think that having to shift mental gears is the hard part. Letting go of a plan-in-progress and suddenly finding yourself standing there not thinking about anything at all. Realizing you had been all-consumed with thoughts of that plan. Remembering that there is life outside of that plan and then trying to get back into the swing of that life.
As I sit here pondering these things, I realize that these next 6 weeks will give me time to focus on my garden (my plants are still alive!), go back to my book that I started writing earlier this year and haven't touched in over a month, have lunch with friends, maybe paint a canvas, exercise, lustily enjoy a few mojitos on Friday afternoons (my favorite summertime alcoholic beverage) and BBQ a steak or two. Holy crap, I have a life outside of clinics and ultrasounds and lab results and medications!
Then, hopefully just a few weeks from now, I will feel more confident and knowledgeable about the FET process and what we are doing when the next cycle begins.
It's a plan. It's just a different plan.
4 months ago