This morning, bright and early, I POAS. The second line was not any darker than it was yesterday. Still faint. There, but faint. Shouldn't the line be getting darker each day?
I went back to bed and considered how I felt. I cupped each breast and assessed whether they were still as tender as yesterday.
No sensation at all coming from my belly.
I guess this is the downside to POAS. The constant self-analysis doesn't end, it just gives you one more piece of information (the faint line) to analyze.
Did I get pg and now the baby(ies) have stopped growing?
Can we really support a pregnancy artificially with shots of estrogen and capsules of progesterone? Is it enough estrogen? Did the progesterone capsule leak too much? Shouldn't I be having blood tests every day to be sure?! My baby is on life support. And I'm afraid I could inadvertently trip over the cord without knowing it and pull the plug.
And so, after feeling myself up and down, analyzing and worrying, I finally just got out of bed. Of course now I am obsessed and am waiting for the stores to open so that I can go buy more pee sticks -- the cheap kind -- to see if there is any difference.
This, folks, is called Self Induced Manic Lunacy. Welcome to the show.
---------UPDATE--------
Exhale. I am better. Thank you.
The other thing that was bothering me this morning was that about a half hour after my morning progesterone suppository, much of the "goo" had leaked out. My prog level was 20.1 and my Clinic said "Anything over 20 is just fine." Well, heck, I figured I've only got 0.1 room for error! So with half of it now soaked into a panty liner (sorry, TMI), was I now in progesterone deficit? So I put in another suppository. Then, when my DH finally got out of bed, he asked, "What's the risk of taking too much?" So you see, between the progesterone and the pee stick, I was a mess.
A call to the Clinic and I was reassured that taking an extra suppository was fine.
Some quick google research and I found out that it is not uncommon for the pee stick color density to remain light.
I am breathing now. But I am still going to buy more pee sticks! Once on the insanity roller coaster, it is hard to get off.
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15 comments:
Oh honey, don't do this to yourself. Those tests are only so accurate, and the fact that a line is showing up means you are pregnant! IF this one for whatever reason doesn't "stick" there is NOTHING you can do about it, the docs are monitoring you, just keep taking the pills and shots. It is totally to their benefit for you to end up pg, so they will do everything they can to make sure that happens! I am thinking of you - and I really hope your beta is through the roof come Monday. Go do something crazy today.
This is a tough one - you know you shouldn't be over-analying, but you also know there's nothing you can do to stop it. And I'm sorry to say, it doesn't end as the pregnancy progresses... :(
But just hang in there, drive yourself crazy if you need to, just keep taking all the shots, pills, etc. And Monday will be here soon enough for your next milestone. I will say, that at each point I got good news from the doc, my obsessiveness did go away for a few days before it started again. So you will get a few breaks here and there!
Um, I will be RIGHT THERE WITH you in the MANIC LUNACY! Stress is not good-that's what they tell me but I too, am a control freak! YOU ARE FINE DEAR! STOP OBSESSING! (I want you to tell me all this in a few weeks when I'm doing the same thing) You have done NOTHING wrong and God knows the desires of your heart and He will not let you down! Praying for you to CHILLAX!
THis is such a common worry. I wish there was something I/we could do to make you feel better but I think all that is really going to help is to have your beta done. ((hugs))
The minute I saw your blog headline I flew right over! It's totally normally to over analyze right now, but I worry that the POAS won't stop your concerns.
Is there anything you can do to take your mind off of things for a little while? Your profile says you like photography. Would it help to grab your camera and head out to get some shots? Or how about going for a long walk? And it may help to fully schedule the rest of your weekend...perhaps in hour intervals just to keep the day moving and your mind off of things.
I know nothing can really stop you from worrying. If all else fails, keep writing! We're all here for you :)
It is was it is now. And really, you can't do much to make it better or worse. I know, that doesn't really make the situation better or easier, but just sit tight for 2? more days...
Oh god, I was the same way. Only my HPTs got LIGHTER each day. It was so nerve wracking. All I can tell you is that the next 10 or so weeks are going to be kind of hellish, but you'll get through them. Hang in there!
I'm with Jill. The damn HPT'S. I know the sticks say the detect over 50 but (and this is a huge but) that is the minimal reading. i was told by Cornell that whilst they are accurate at detecting HCG they are crapola at detecting precisely between 50 -150!! You might get a dark line, then again, might not. They don't put that on the freakin' box!
Can you chill? Can you concentrate on love, babies, good food, resting, laughing and other incubator activities?? Forget the sticks, sink into your body and nuture both of you :-)
believe me, i know how you are feeling....and i have the posts to prove it LOL. Try not to POAS any more but if you do, one thing I noted, my lines with FMU were always lighter than the lines from the afternoon after holding for 3 hours....even comparing day to previous day....that FMU one would show up but be as light day to day...the afternoon ones they got darker. I am trying to enjoy every day that I am pregnant (i know easier said than done, but I am trying)
I am so glad that you are finding your center again. Just an FYI: my first RE had me on 5 tabs of prometrium, 1 PIO injection and 3 suppositories a day after my first IVF. I was clearly on a TON of progesterone and lived to tell the tale (of course I was so.very.very. sleepy the whole time). No worries: I don't think you have injured yourself in any way. :) hang in there I am sure that all is well.
I know I would be just like you if I were in your shoes. Sorry you're feeling so worried. Is there something really distracting and restful you can do for yourself, like get a couple of seasons of your favourite TV show and prop yourself up with pillows and yummy healthy treats like cherries and almonds and allow yourself to be totally consumed by it?
With little E, he was unexpected. I POAS, it was a line. I POAS a day or so later, no line. Like, not even a faint line. I was pretty sure I was preg so I didn't sweat it but DH made me POA THIRD S to be sure. So yeah........it's totally possible in those early early days to still have a faint line. I mean, when you originally POAS you probably barely BARELY had enough hormone to have the darn thing detect it, right? And you're still in the TWW right? I bet baby(ies) are just fine. :)
It's ok and normal to overanalyze, but you will be just fine:) I am so happy to see such great news from you!!! Every time I read about a successful ivf/if treatment, it makes me feel mote confident about my own treatments:) best of luck to you and I can't wait to read about your pregnancy, birth, and new baby :) or babies!
try not to stress too much (I know that's easier said than done) I found that my FRER lines only seemed to get darker every two days rather than every day.
I don't blame you for buying more sticks at all, I remember standing in the chemist buying two of every HPT brand - one just to make sure it was for real and the second so I could see if it got darker... it's so totally normal to go a bit POAS crazy.
Good luck for beta tomorrow.
I so hear you and understand where you're coming from. I also had the same issue where my lines did not get any darker from one day to the next, so after the second one, I didn't pee on another one until my beta, just so I would be prepared if there was no line at all anymore. Everyone says to relax, and I've said it before too, but it's impossible. I agree with Sandra, try to find anything that you can to keep yourself occupied and distracted. Good luck, beta is only a day away!!
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